Friday, December 4, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
What New Mystery Is This?
I drove across country with such sore eyes, bleak and weiry. A symphony upon deaf ears. So much of it feels like I hadn't slept in days. What a year.
I'll be driving up north in a week or so, with an empty hollow heart. I'm hoping this will ready me to absorb and find some new meaning.
I need to get away and become everything I'm not. I spend most of my days now with someone who magnifies, with his pressense, all of my insanity that needs to be done away with.
When I get out of here, I want all this heavy passion from me gone. I want to be detached as to never find anything baffling again, never feel broken up when fucked, never needing comfort or answers from anyone again.
How was I to be constructed this way? What place is there for genuine desire of understanding and mutual loyalty.
No matter what independence of lifestyle and character you hold...if you love the ones you love, need consistancy and stability in the people surrounding you, or that once did...it is you that is emotionally unstable, you that is pathetic. Or so I'm told. Or so I feel (fear)
I'll be driving up north in a week or so, with an empty hollow heart. I'm hoping this will ready me to absorb and find some new meaning.
I need to get away and become everything I'm not. I spend most of my days now with someone who magnifies, with his pressense, all of my insanity that needs to be done away with.
When I get out of here, I want all this heavy passion from me gone. I want to be detached as to never find anything baffling again, never feel broken up when fucked, never needing comfort or answers from anyone again.
How was I to be constructed this way? What place is there for genuine desire of understanding and mutual loyalty.
No matter what independence of lifestyle and character you hold...if you love the ones you love, need consistancy and stability in the people surrounding you, or that once did...it is you that is emotionally unstable, you that is pathetic. Or so I'm told. Or so I feel (fear)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It's hard to hold the hand of anyone, Who is reaching for the sky just to surrender
[mp3 Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen]
Ya know...don't even download it. Quite frankly I don't particularly like Leonard Cohen's music. He himself said "Only in Canada could I win Best Vocalist" or something along those lines. I'm drunk at the moment.
Anywho, I do absolutely love love love his lyrics, and his writing outside of his songs as well. I could quote passionately words of his from songs I can't stand to listen to. I'm not saying it's bad, only that it isn't for me. His music is like that of Tom Waits in that some people appreciate it, some don't.
(but dear god, read the things he writes. They reach me in some secret intimate way I can't bring out of me otherwise.)
Friday, September 11, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Break IV
I was able to get sufficient sleep. Lovely sleep in fact. Dylan relaxed for a bit and slept like a baby with me. It feels like fall this morning so it was that perfect cool for sleeping this morning. I wanted to get up early enough to shower and maybe run by 49 for coffee, needless to say this didn’t happen. That forty minutes went to unneeded further sleep. I need to shower badly.
I made myself eggs this morning at work. The cooking spray can was punctured and I got oil all over me. I have another more whether appropriate dress in my car I’ll throw on, maybe shower at dad’s on my break. I wonder if he went to Philadelphia. This is going to stain. I think I can cut and helm it shorter and get rid of most of it.My break this morning was lovely this time spent with a blue butterfly that didn’t pay me any mind. Last week there was a dragonfly I somehow forgot to mention. These breaks are doing me good. Today’s song was Crystal Castles remix of ‘It Fit When I Was A Kid’ by Liars. I’m in higher spirits and psyched for fall. Psyched for Toronto. I’m going to see if I can get off work at my second job Saturday. Maybe trade it out for Friday. Elisha is visiting Megan in Philadelphia. They would like me to come for labor day weekend. I’d really like to do that. I’ll see what I can swing.
Today I simply must clean my apartment. I’m not feeling low enough anymore for it to be in such condition. I at least took the trash out last night. I still need to get Dylan fixed. And my, my bills this upcoming paycheck are so much. I think I’ll only be able to pay half of my cell. I need to get car maintenance done and my cable bill came. I need to be super careful about funds since Toronto is only a month away. Tomorrow I work both jobs. 830am-11pm. Jeez. Wednesday and Thursday will be my ‘me’ days. Excellent timing since I get paid, not that it will matter considering the prior mentioned bills.
I made myself eggs this morning at work. The cooking spray can was punctured and I got oil all over me. I have another more whether appropriate dress in my car I’ll throw on, maybe shower at dad’s on my break. I wonder if he went to Philadelphia. This is going to stain. I think I can cut and helm it shorter and get rid of most of it.My break this morning was lovely this time spent with a blue butterfly that didn’t pay me any mind. Last week there was a dragonfly I somehow forgot to mention. These breaks are doing me good. Today’s song was Crystal Castles remix of ‘It Fit When I Was A Kid’ by Liars. I’m in higher spirits and psyched for fall. Psyched for Toronto. I’m going to see if I can get off work at my second job Saturday. Maybe trade it out for Friday. Elisha is visiting Megan in Philadelphia. They would like me to come for labor day weekend. I’d really like to do that. I’ll see what I can swing.
Today I simply must clean my apartment. I’m not feeling low enough anymore for it to be in such condition. I at least took the trash out last night. I still need to get Dylan fixed. And my, my bills this upcoming paycheck are so much. I think I’ll only be able to pay half of my cell. I need to get car maintenance done and my cable bill came. I need to be super careful about funds since Toronto is only a month away. Tomorrow I work both jobs. 830am-11pm. Jeez. Wednesday and Thursday will be my ‘me’ days. Excellent timing since I get paid, not that it will matter considering the prior mentioned bills.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Cigarette/Song Break III
I’m in a state of mind that I can never get used to despite being part of my usual process. It is that of detachment. I’m a passionate gal in touch with my emotions and when it feels as if I don’t have any I just don’t feel like a real person. It’s times like this where I escape in routine and am unable to relate to those around me. I manage to be a pretty bad friend at times such as these.
I had meant to bring eggs into work to make breakfast. I suppose it’s good I didn’t since it’s Friday. I kept to my usual breakfast of English breakfast tea. I don’t really take cigarette breaks. A few of my coworkers knew I smoked cigarettes but not all, especially not two a day. My boss is utterly shocked by this.
Today’s song was Strangers by the Kinks. I remember I put this song on nearly every mix cd I made two years ago. Still not sick of it. It appears it’s going to rain all weekend. This certainly won’t help my lack of motivation. I really must get back to the gym that created such a healthy escape/outlet for me for awhile.
I did however make it over to Borders. David Cross’s new book can only be ordered online so I’ll do that once my new card comes in the mail. I actually have to order some of Dave Eggers books that are on sale on McSweeneys anyhow. I did pick up Sartre’s Being and Nothingness. The only good thing about being trapped inside myself for a period of time is it ends up being pretty stimulating and a time for reform. Although, I never learn from my mistakes. I never change.
[mp3 Strangers - The Kinks]
I had meant to bring eggs into work to make breakfast. I suppose it’s good I didn’t since it’s Friday. I kept to my usual breakfast of English breakfast tea. I don’t really take cigarette breaks. A few of my coworkers knew I smoked cigarettes but not all, especially not two a day. My boss is utterly shocked by this.
Today’s song was Strangers by the Kinks. I remember I put this song on nearly every mix cd I made two years ago. Still not sick of it. It appears it’s going to rain all weekend. This certainly won’t help my lack of motivation. I really must get back to the gym that created such a healthy escape/outlet for me for awhile.
I did however make it over to Borders. David Cross’s new book can only be ordered online so I’ll do that once my new card comes in the mail. I actually have to order some of Dave Eggers books that are on sale on McSweeneys anyhow. I did pick up Sartre’s Being and Nothingness. The only good thing about being trapped inside myself for a period of time is it ends up being pretty stimulating and a time for reform. Although, I never learn from my mistakes. I never change.
[mp3 Strangers - The Kinks]
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Cigarette/Song Break II
Today I was able to fit in two songs with my cigarette. They were Angeles by Elliott Smith and Songbird by Engine Down. I think I’m going to make a mix of this for someone when this is through. What a day yesterday turned out, what a mind fuck I mean.
I went by my second job for paperwork then Kaitlyn came over. I didn’t realize she is leaving Friday. I’m such an asshole. She, Anne and I went and had 32 oz, fishbowl, margaritas. Anne was trashed. And as was I. I never did get to Borders to buy that book. I’ll try to fit it in today. I have to stay late so it will all depend on whether I get to the bank on time. My phone should not have been in my possession last night by any means. I suppose I don’t mind. I can’t really feel any regret in saying how I feel to him. I completely let go which is something that means a lot to me about my interactions with him. Le sigh.
We went to Karaoke across the street after. I sang God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. Ran into a ton of kids from high school. Then I sang PYT by Michael Jackson!!! My favorite Michael Jackson song ever.
Things get strange from there. Too strange and personal to write out here. But I am sure of things that don’t matter. I am officially in that ‘I’m confused and emotional unavailable’ state. I will find myself saying the same things said to me in the next couple of months.
[mp3 Angeles - Elliott Smith]
[mp3 Songbird - Engine Down]
I went by my second job for paperwork then Kaitlyn came over. I didn’t realize she is leaving Friday. I’m such an asshole. She, Anne and I went and had 32 oz, fishbowl, margaritas. Anne was trashed. And as was I. I never did get to Borders to buy that book. I’ll try to fit it in today. I have to stay late so it will all depend on whether I get to the bank on time. My phone should not have been in my possession last night by any means. I suppose I don’t mind. I can’t really feel any regret in saying how I feel to him. I completely let go which is something that means a lot to me about my interactions with him. Le sigh.
We went to Karaoke across the street after. I sang God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. Ran into a ton of kids from high school. Then I sang PYT by Michael Jackson!!! My favorite Michael Jackson song ever.
Things get strange from there. Too strange and personal to write out here. But I am sure of things that don’t matter. I am officially in that ‘I’m confused and emotional unavailable’ state. I will find myself saying the same things said to me in the next couple of months.
[mp3 Angeles - Elliott Smith]
[mp3 Songbird - Engine Down]
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Cigarette/Song Break
I’ve resorted back to the same comfort I even found in middle school.
I used to take walks and listen to my walkman even then as well as listen to it on the school bus. There was an unmatchable comfort in this. The song I remember best doing this with was Talk Show Host by Radiohead when I was younger.
These days have been heavier than I think I realize but I’m taking them with ease. I see what’s suffering which would be my other friendships.
Jon and Fabian have called so much and I never answer, or sometimes I answer only to say I’ll call back then do not do so. I’ve seen Anne and Jenn and recently Meredith. I feel as though my company is less than satisfactory, although I think Anne is a little tried as well so perhaps we’re comfortable. Kaitlyn has been home from Canada for days now and I have yet to see her. I’m seeing her tonight.
I’ve begun taking cigarette breaks at work now, taking a much needed much deserved mental break. Long enough for one song which gives the near comfort of a friend’s arms. I’m going to start attending the gym again, and reading again. I have taken my sights off of Tropic of Cancer for now, instead I’m going to purchase David Cross’s new book “I Drink For a Reason” after work today and begin that.
Today’s song was AA Bondy’s ‘When The Devil’s Loose’ featured below.
I didn’t really count on this blog being an account of my emotions for it’s probably a poor decision to be even more revealing than I am in person however perhaps it’s what I need at the moment. I’ll feature my cigarette songs for others to find comfort in as well. This one in particular will be on Kaitlyn’s mix cd, which is long overdue.
I discussed moving to Philadelphia with Anne next summer. She’s interested. I feel confident in this goal, it still feels right. I informed Megan, Elisha and Rachel of this. They are filled with excitement. I really love those girls.
Why don’t you give yourself a rest
Oh give yourself some room
You can’t get your arms round everybody
You cannot carry the doom
Of the living and the dying
How easily you bruise
Oh dear, you don’t go around when the devil’s loose
I used to take walks and listen to my walkman even then as well as listen to it on the school bus. There was an unmatchable comfort in this. The song I remember best doing this with was Talk Show Host by Radiohead when I was younger.
These days have been heavier than I think I realize but I’m taking them with ease. I see what’s suffering which would be my other friendships.
Jon and Fabian have called so much and I never answer, or sometimes I answer only to say I’ll call back then do not do so. I’ve seen Anne and Jenn and recently Meredith. I feel as though my company is less than satisfactory, although I think Anne is a little tried as well so perhaps we’re comfortable. Kaitlyn has been home from Canada for days now and I have yet to see her. I’m seeing her tonight.
I’ve begun taking cigarette breaks at work now, taking a much needed much deserved mental break. Long enough for one song which gives the near comfort of a friend’s arms. I’m going to start attending the gym again, and reading again. I have taken my sights off of Tropic of Cancer for now, instead I’m going to purchase David Cross’s new book “I Drink For a Reason” after work today and begin that.
Today’s song was AA Bondy’s ‘When The Devil’s Loose’ featured below.
I didn’t really count on this blog being an account of my emotions for it’s probably a poor decision to be even more revealing than I am in person however perhaps it’s what I need at the moment. I’ll feature my cigarette songs for others to find comfort in as well. This one in particular will be on Kaitlyn’s mix cd, which is long overdue.
I discussed moving to Philadelphia with Anne next summer. She’s interested. I feel confident in this goal, it still feels right. I informed Megan, Elisha and Rachel of this. They are filled with excitement. I really love those girls.
Why don’t you give yourself a rest
Oh give yourself some room
You can’t get your arms round everybody
You cannot carry the doom
Of the living and the dying
How easily you bruise
Oh dear, you don’t go around when the devil’s loose
[mp3 When The Devils Loose - AA Bondy]
Monday, August 24, 2009
The clouds
I'm not sure how I'm going to get through today. I've had this really terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach since friday. It worsened as of last night, it's worst of all now. And this anxiety coupled with this sharp pain in my back is making it difficult to breathe.Today is a day I would've spent doing nothing at my parents but sleeping.
A hard rain is going to fall. I can feel it.
A hard rain is going to fall. I can feel it.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
RAMPAGE!!!!!!!!
Things are looking up! I’m still broke however but let’s just talk about the now!
Weekend before last the girls visited, ruled!
Last weekend…amazing! I had such a blast with Jason and Steve and made some new friends as well. Jason, Steve and I must’ve gotten to bed around 4 am. Poor Steve had to work. Jason and I slept in every day we were there some reason, but it was nice to be so comfortable and treat it like an actual get away instead of stressing.
Saturday we hung out with my friend Sheena, spending most of our time in Williamsburg, I bought a jean skirt from the 70s, and Jason bought two shirts, one of which I’ve practically stolen. Sheena’s apartment, which she’s unfortunately leaving, is gorgeous. It was way great to see her and I wish I had done it sooner, and I will do it again soon. Jason got Steve a ticket so he was able to join us. We must’ve been lost in Prospect Park for 2 hours. And hipsters were coming out of the shadows, the trees, anywhere they could hide looking for this show. We must’ve formed a group of 15 or so. We didn’t really connect or bond with any of them except Megan and Nathan. We did however find the show! I was relieved we were late getting there because from what I could tell the other acts were terrible. I made friends with some random chick who needed someone to dance with, as did I. Although we didn’t do much of dancing ‘together’ but I danced like a crazy person especially to Fireworks and Brother Sport, as predicted.
We all wanted to stay out and party together following this. NYC bars are open till 4am, and it’s a Saturday! But it must’ve been that walk through the woods or the cheap wine and dancing but by 1230 we were wiped out. I even drank down a red bull. Steve, Jason and I did shots of whiskey in a gay bar. Sunday we spent the day with Kris. We had the best coffee in NYC and amazing brunch. We went to several awesome stores that I could never afford a thing at and encouraged Kris to spend on himself. Ending the day with playing video games with him in Williamsburg, I wish I was playing Rampage right now. I had quite a buzz going, I think I may have spilled beer on myself.
We ended the evening with a few more drinks, with some of Kris’s friends, who I liked, and Steve met up with us as well. Then it was off to hurry to the bus, which we barely made. We arrived in DC around 230am only to find the Metro is closed and had to take a cab to New Carrollton, another night home at 4am, this time having to work the next day. Completely worth it.
This week has been semi low key. Monday was a hectic day at work as I presume all this week will. The evening was spent entirely on sleeping. I needed it badly. I woke up only to watch a couple episodes of True Blood. Yesterday was spent taking it easy with Jason. I have a lot of priorities I have to get in order. Today I feel just as exhausted as Monday with zero reason. I actually think I’m getting sick. I’m really stuffy, so drowsy, can’t stop sneezing, I predict my throat should begin to hurt soon. My agenda for today is:
Nap
Clean my apartment
Podcasts
Laundry/Give Mom Money
Beauty First Paperwork
Attempt to see Fabian, Jon and Anne, if I don’t feel like death.
Tomorrow’s agenda is:
BB & T Account
Pay Gym
Grocery Shop
See Kaitlyn
Plan for Philadelphia weekend
Christ this week is flying by. I feel like I won’t survive it. August is over? Really? Already?
Weekend before last the girls visited, ruled!
Last weekend…amazing! I had such a blast with Jason and Steve and made some new friends as well. Jason, Steve and I must’ve gotten to bed around 4 am. Poor Steve had to work. Jason and I slept in every day we were there some reason, but it was nice to be so comfortable and treat it like an actual get away instead of stressing.
Saturday we hung out with my friend Sheena, spending most of our time in Williamsburg, I bought a jean skirt from the 70s, and Jason bought two shirts, one of which I’ve practically stolen. Sheena’s apartment, which she’s unfortunately leaving, is gorgeous. It was way great to see her and I wish I had done it sooner, and I will do it again soon. Jason got Steve a ticket so he was able to join us. We must’ve been lost in Prospect Park for 2 hours. And hipsters were coming out of the shadows, the trees, anywhere they could hide looking for this show. We must’ve formed a group of 15 or so. We didn’t really connect or bond with any of them except Megan and Nathan. We did however find the show! I was relieved we were late getting there because from what I could tell the other acts were terrible. I made friends with some random chick who needed someone to dance with, as did I. Although we didn’t do much of dancing ‘together’ but I danced like a crazy person especially to Fireworks and Brother Sport, as predicted.
We all wanted to stay out and party together following this. NYC bars are open till 4am, and it’s a Saturday! But it must’ve been that walk through the woods or the cheap wine and dancing but by 1230 we were wiped out. I even drank down a red bull. Steve, Jason and I did shots of whiskey in a gay bar. Sunday we spent the day with Kris. We had the best coffee in NYC and amazing brunch. We went to several awesome stores that I could never afford a thing at and encouraged Kris to spend on himself. Ending the day with playing video games with him in Williamsburg, I wish I was playing Rampage right now. I had quite a buzz going, I think I may have spilled beer on myself.
We ended the evening with a few more drinks, with some of Kris’s friends, who I liked, and Steve met up with us as well. Then it was off to hurry to the bus, which we barely made. We arrived in DC around 230am only to find the Metro is closed and had to take a cab to New Carrollton, another night home at 4am, this time having to work the next day. Completely worth it.
This week has been semi low key. Monday was a hectic day at work as I presume all this week will. The evening was spent entirely on sleeping. I needed it badly. I woke up only to watch a couple episodes of True Blood. Yesterday was spent taking it easy with Jason. I have a lot of priorities I have to get in order. Today I feel just as exhausted as Monday with zero reason. I actually think I’m getting sick. I’m really stuffy, so drowsy, can’t stop sneezing, I predict my throat should begin to hurt soon. My agenda for today is:
Nap
Clean my apartment
Podcasts
Laundry/Give Mom Money
Beauty First Paperwork
Attempt to see Fabian, Jon and Anne, if I don’t feel like death.
Tomorrow’s agenda is:
BB & T Account
Pay Gym
Grocery Shop
See Kaitlyn
Plan for Philadelphia weekend
Christ this week is flying by. I feel like I won’t survive it. August is over? Really? Already?
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
but if were miscommunicating do we feel the same?
You could say things are leveling on. I mean that in a good and bad way. I still haven’t gotten back into the swing of things but I’ve made vast improvements, or well…steps toward it. I got my couch! And a free neat piece of furniture I’m using as my entertainment center. The apartment is clean, and easy to keep clean now aside from Dylan being psychotic. I have to take her to a clinic to afford to get her spayed..and that is FAR away and takes much planning. I also have internet and cable now which allows me to be more of a homebody than I usually like, it enables me to get music constantly like I used to which is especially exciting considering the return of my ipod. I can also take online classes easily in the spring. I wouldn’t have been prepared for the fall.
The girls came to visit me last weekend, Rachel, Megan and Elisha. WHAT A BLAST. Friday they arrived after 10pm which counted both Escape from NY, and Beach House & Celebration out. We had discussed karaoke anyhow, so that was the ‘goal’. We began while getting ready listening to silly songs and drinking champagne. Megan looked crazy hot. We finished that bottle moved onto shots then rode our bikes to Tsunami. Ugh, I hate downtown on the weekends. Too many people, too many people I could go my whole life without seeing. I always forget. We did car bombs, then a mix drink each. Some creep bought Rachel a beer after listening in on our conversations. We couldn’t, and perhaps didn’t stay long there. Doesn’t seem like it. But time was flying by and we had to make it to karaoke, we also had to get Rachel away from these weirdos.
So it was back to the house. More shots, and the other bottle of champagne for the ride. Apparently this ride was longer than we thought. But I thought we wanted to really get some bike riding in. Its mostly downhill. Rachel ate it, suddenly, without reason but with warning “Fuck!”.
I thought for sure that was the end. She got super sad for a second then we were back on. We really were riding so fast. We showed up at Ebb Tide too late for karaoke, and were handed shots immediately upon arrival. Tequila. The bartender bandaged up Rachel and gave her a shot of bubblegum vodka. The rest of the evening is even more eventful and hilarious, but isn’t internet posting material.
Saturday we woke up feeling TERRIBLE. We had planned to go to the beach but this was pretty much impossible especially since we had been woken up by the cable guy. After lounging about my apartment, which is now comfortable enough to do so, we had delicious smoothies and swam in the river of my childhood neighborhood. I threw a party that evening, which I am short vocabulary words for. I had missed being social, I had missed partying, on a very small scale I missed Annapolis.
Sunday we did make it to the beach despite it being a little late and cloudy, it was relaxing. And seeing Rachel run into that water like a 6 year old was priceless. And seeing Elisha wiped out by almost every wave was just as funny.
Monday was Anne’s birthday. A small group of us, Marie, Anne (obviously), Dean, Ben, Dave, Darin and I drank, swam in an indoor salt water pool, and danced in the rain. What a beautiful carefree night with good people.
So all this is to say. I’m confident again, and comfortable in ways. I know what I want for the most part. At least long term. At least goals. I have fantastic friends both here and across state lines that I’m committed to and that are committed to me. I have exciting things coming up as early as now! I leave for nyc tomorrow to visit Steve and Sheena and see Animal Collective with Jason! The following weekend I’m going to visit the girls in Philly, as well as Scott. They’ll visit again next month. Scott and I are going to see Aziz at the end of the month. And then Jason and I go to Toronto. So much going on. I’m getting a second job at my old job to make money! I’m going back to school in the spring. I find myself still a little confused in my love life, but all can’t be great. I don’t know why I always manage to get myself in such complicated situations. But I feel myself pulling out, losing interest in those things that are so difficult. This could be a positive change.
Also good riddens, to terrible terrible feigned friendships.
The girls came to visit me last weekend, Rachel, Megan and Elisha. WHAT A BLAST. Friday they arrived after 10pm which counted both Escape from NY, and Beach House & Celebration out. We had discussed karaoke anyhow, so that was the ‘goal’. We began while getting ready listening to silly songs and drinking champagne. Megan looked crazy hot. We finished that bottle moved onto shots then rode our bikes to Tsunami. Ugh, I hate downtown on the weekends. Too many people, too many people I could go my whole life without seeing. I always forget. We did car bombs, then a mix drink each. Some creep bought Rachel a beer after listening in on our conversations. We couldn’t, and perhaps didn’t stay long there. Doesn’t seem like it. But time was flying by and we had to make it to karaoke, we also had to get Rachel away from these weirdos.
So it was back to the house. More shots, and the other bottle of champagne for the ride. Apparently this ride was longer than we thought. But I thought we wanted to really get some bike riding in. Its mostly downhill. Rachel ate it, suddenly, without reason but with warning “Fuck!”.
I thought for sure that was the end. She got super sad for a second then we were back on. We really were riding so fast. We showed up at Ebb Tide too late for karaoke, and were handed shots immediately upon arrival. Tequila. The bartender bandaged up Rachel and gave her a shot of bubblegum vodka. The rest of the evening is even more eventful and hilarious, but isn’t internet posting material.
Saturday we woke up feeling TERRIBLE. We had planned to go to the beach but this was pretty much impossible especially since we had been woken up by the cable guy. After lounging about my apartment, which is now comfortable enough to do so, we had delicious smoothies and swam in the river of my childhood neighborhood. I threw a party that evening, which I am short vocabulary words for. I had missed being social, I had missed partying, on a very small scale I missed Annapolis.
Sunday we did make it to the beach despite it being a little late and cloudy, it was relaxing. And seeing Rachel run into that water like a 6 year old was priceless. And seeing Elisha wiped out by almost every wave was just as funny.
Monday was Anne’s birthday. A small group of us, Marie, Anne (obviously), Dean, Ben, Dave, Darin and I drank, swam in an indoor salt water pool, and danced in the rain. What a beautiful carefree night with good people.
So all this is to say. I’m confident again, and comfortable in ways. I know what I want for the most part. At least long term. At least goals. I have fantastic friends both here and across state lines that I’m committed to and that are committed to me. I have exciting things coming up as early as now! I leave for nyc tomorrow to visit Steve and Sheena and see Animal Collective with Jason! The following weekend I’m going to visit the girls in Philly, as well as Scott. They’ll visit again next month. Scott and I are going to see Aziz at the end of the month. And then Jason and I go to Toronto. So much going on. I’m getting a second job at my old job to make money! I’m going back to school in the spring. I find myself still a little confused in my love life, but all can’t be great. I don’t know why I always manage to get myself in such complicated situations. But I feel myself pulling out, losing interest in those things that are so difficult. This could be a positive change.
Also good riddens, to terrible terrible feigned friendships.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Getting Back On That Horse
Boy I’m really on the edge here. Really close to falling through the cracks resulting from the rupturing of faults. So many seismic changes this year. I never learn. I never learn. I’ll never learn. Its time to take hold and take heed. Today is the start of new things, no more treading I want out of this. My home, where I rest my head. Must be put back together. Wake up early! Eat right! Be active! Be healthy! You feel better when you’re taking care of yourself, even if lacking anything else inspiring/exciting. And the joy to be had this weekend. I have two weeks left of summer in which to feel it. I’ve felt so little this year. Hopefully I can get into class next paycheck. Hopefully there is room. I want that so badly for myself. Medical bills pilling up. I can’t pay for my life. So much discontent I need to do away with, so little resources and means in the country these days. My youth is withering away, and I’m still young. I thought 2009 would be a good year, my that eve was such fun. It’s near close. I’m thankful. I’m almost a year older. Almost a year closer to death. Almost a year further away from being who I wanted to be today. So much heat in me, so much burning. And it’s fucking useless.
Start today. Make it different.
You saw it for the first time in a long time, printed on that overpass you used to know so well “IT CAN GET BETTER”
Start today. Make it different.
You saw it for the first time in a long time, printed on that overpass you used to know so well “IT CAN GET BETTER”
Monday, August 3, 2009
I’m for hire! I’m for hire!
Theres so many ways to use me!
Any takers! Any takers!
Heres my resume, you’ll see theres many before you.
I’m so experienced as a stand in
So much donating, giving, and willfully!
You deserve it, didn’t I tell you? So many other people won’t give you what I’m offering.
Take me! I’m yours!You sir! Over there! What can I be to you?
Do you need some kind words? You know how lovely I think you are.
Or warmth in the cold night? My body is yours! Take it! Take it!
Theres my bed isn’t it calling to you. Oh no sir, it isn’t your fault.
What about you Madame? Are you feeling down on yourself like this gentleman over here?
Well I can be your best friend!
Heres the encouragement and reassurance you need to hear!
Say what you will to me! I can take it!
Social climbing anyone? I’m a social hit! Think of the friends you’d make going out with me!
Of the boys! Of the fun times to be had!
Ladies! You can borrow my clothes!
Need relationship advice? I have hours of time and empathy to boot!
Any takers? Any takers?
What whole do you need filled. Who’s letting you down? I’ll soften the pain.
I’m for hire! I’m for hire!
And I’m giving it all away for free!
That’s right ladies and gentlemen!
Don’t return the favor!
Take what you need and leave!
Take what you need and go!
There will be others after you, I’ll believe in them too! That’s for sure!
There’s plenty of ways and plenty of me to take and take and take.
Take what you need and be on your way!
Theres so many ways to use me!
Any takers! Any takers!
Heres my resume, you’ll see theres many before you.
I’m so experienced as a stand in
So much donating, giving, and willfully!
You deserve it, didn’t I tell you? So many other people won’t give you what I’m offering.
Take me! I’m yours!You sir! Over there! What can I be to you?
Do you need some kind words? You know how lovely I think you are.
Or warmth in the cold night? My body is yours! Take it! Take it!
Theres my bed isn’t it calling to you. Oh no sir, it isn’t your fault.
What about you Madame? Are you feeling down on yourself like this gentleman over here?
Well I can be your best friend!
Heres the encouragement and reassurance you need to hear!
Say what you will to me! I can take it!
Social climbing anyone? I’m a social hit! Think of the friends you’d make going out with me!
Of the boys! Of the fun times to be had!
Ladies! You can borrow my clothes!
Need relationship advice? I have hours of time and empathy to boot!
Any takers? Any takers?
What whole do you need filled. Who’s letting you down? I’ll soften the pain.
I’m for hire! I’m for hire!
And I’m giving it all away for free!
That’s right ladies and gentlemen!
Don’t return the favor!
Take what you need and leave!
Take what you need and go!
There will be others after you, I’ll believe in them too! That’s for sure!
There’s plenty of ways and plenty of me to take and take and take.
Take what you need and be on your way!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Between the click of the Light, and the Start of the Dream
An earlier update than most. I am finished my work very early today, and I am also rather sleepy. It looks to rain. I can’t wait to pass out for a bit after work. I can spare around 2 hours. I wonder if Anne and I will end up going to Cage tonight. I want to. So does she. But we both have been pretty inactive this week, which has actually been pretty nice. I’d like to get 8 hours sleep for once, pretty soon.
Chris Cosgrove is djing tomorrow at Tsunami. I don’t know if this means I will go out or not. Likely not.
I wonder if I will more consistently help Anne now that I have an ipod again. I need to download some stuff.
[mp3 No Cars Go - Arcade Fire]
Chris Cosgrove is djing tomorrow at Tsunami. I don’t know if this means I will go out or not. Likely not.
I wonder if I will more consistently help Anne now that I have an ipod again. I need to download some stuff.
[mp3 No Cars Go - Arcade Fire]
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
A Normal Non-Cryptic/Emotional Update
No complaints I suppose. Still having a hard time getting into my normal routine. I haven’t grocery shopped. I’m showering infrequently, and haven’t kept my apartment clean. I’m trying to sort that out this week however.
I’m getting a couch as soon as Will, the Seller and I sort out a good day to go pick it up. That will really motivate me to get my apartment together. As for today Christine, my step mother, and my dad need some hang out time. Apparently they’ve been pretty stressed and would like to hang out and take it easy together. Anne and I took a pact not to drink for a week. I hadn’t been getting majorly trashed or anything but I had been drinking on a frequent basis. A couple beers at least every other day up to a bottle of wine (Friday only). However, I have a good mind to suspect that Christine will want me to drink with her. I suppose I could have one cocktail. Following this I will head to my mom’s to get some laundry done as well as download some songs. I should be to bed at a reasonable time.
Tomorrow Cage is playing in DC. Anne and I are to go. Crap! We need to get tickets.
Thursday is another taking it easy day. Anne doesn’t dj which means I don’t go to Tsunami! Friday I think Jason and I are seeing Funny People which actually looks pretty good, at first I thought it looked pretty bad. I may or may not go out dancing with some friends to Dan Deacon…like I said I plan to take it easy this weekend.
[mp3 Never Knew You - Cage]
Next weekend however! Elisha, Rachel and Megan are coming to visit! I’m stoked on that! Beach House is playing Friday in Baltimore, I hope they want to go. Who knows what else the weekend holds. The following weekend is Animal Collective in NYC!!!!!
Thank you,
I’m getting a couch as soon as Will, the Seller and I sort out a good day to go pick it up. That will really motivate me to get my apartment together. As for today Christine, my step mother, and my dad need some hang out time. Apparently they’ve been pretty stressed and would like to hang out and take it easy together. Anne and I took a pact not to drink for a week. I hadn’t been getting majorly trashed or anything but I had been drinking on a frequent basis. A couple beers at least every other day up to a bottle of wine (Friday only). However, I have a good mind to suspect that Christine will want me to drink with her. I suppose I could have one cocktail. Following this I will head to my mom’s to get some laundry done as well as download some songs. I should be to bed at a reasonable time.
Tomorrow Cage is playing in DC. Anne and I are to go. Crap! We need to get tickets.
Thursday is another taking it easy day. Anne doesn’t dj which means I don’t go to Tsunami! Friday I think Jason and I are seeing Funny People which actually looks pretty good, at first I thought it looked pretty bad. I may or may not go out dancing with some friends to Dan Deacon…like I said I plan to take it easy this weekend.
[mp3 Never Knew You - Cage]
Next weekend however! Elisha, Rachel and Megan are coming to visit! I’m stoked on that! Beach House is playing Friday in Baltimore, I hope they want to go. Who knows what else the weekend holds. The following weekend is Animal Collective in NYC!!!!!
Thank you,
Monday, July 27, 2009
Day and Night
And while chances are good we'll never leave this limbo, I can't seem to shake you no matter what the circumstances. It's a lot of pushing and pulling and we take turns in positions. We take our time in remission. There's something here you can't deny as well as me. And through our criptic language it shows. If its not the words, it's the tone. If its not the tone, its the words. Or contradictory following statements. You've made mistakes and now I can say that I have, assuming we ever reach a destination where we'd look back. But where I stand today the future holds your name, and for you it holds mine. We inch there. I may be more certain than you, but we both share our fear, that's for sure, as well as our excitement in the opportunity we hold. You're wiser in ways; to keep so firmly on the ground, but I'm more alive with my head in the clouds. You and I collide at the horizon, there's a balance in our opposition. You know this.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I am Tired. I am True of Heart.
I felt myself getting right back into the swing of things. It was just as it was which also means inadvertently leading to disappointment that has already come and gone (and comes and goes and comes and goes) And when a smile crept upon my face sprouting from your pecular charms, i suddenly reminded myself of the past week, and other occasions prior and with the closing of my eyes it washed from my face and a sinking feeling in my stomach dropped with the same gravity of my eye lids.
Our talking didn't stop there, continued on as it would. Oh, the constant biting of my tongue. Backtracking to say something trivial and polite in response to your sweet self deprivating humor as opposed to my adoration of the terrible little things that make you, you.Learning to approach with a new discorse one of friendship without that winsome affectionate overtone we're both so fond of.
I've just grown tired of attempting to help others grow and losing myself for even good people like you find a way to be destructive to keep their comfortable misery.
Our talking didn't stop there, continued on as it would. Oh, the constant biting of my tongue. Backtracking to say something trivial and polite in response to your sweet self deprivating humor as opposed to my adoration of the terrible little things that make you, you.Learning to approach with a new discorse one of friendship without that winsome affectionate overtone we're both so fond of.
I've just grown tired of attempting to help others grow and losing myself for even good people like you find a way to be destructive to keep their comfortable misery.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I've Grown Tired of Holding This Pose
Today at work is better than the rest on one hand; because I was out Friday there is plenty of work to be done! I’m coming to a close with less than two hours to spare today. I guess it would be a little better if for some unexplainable reason I didn’t feel mildly under the weather. I had a splendid relaxing weekend. I was in bed at a good hour with the exception of Dylan bugging me to wake up. But I feel a little queasy, and fairly tense. The evening will likely be spent doing little. I think I’ll take a nap, go to the gym for a bit and do a little bit of cleaning and organizing. The day to pull myself together is at hand, but I don’t think it’s today. Too tired.
My father adorably called me at work today, concerned about my well being due to my facebook status, something I now know he keeps a sharp eye on. This doesn’t make me uncomfortable, I don’t really hide anything from my parents. They usually know my every move. It in fact makes me feel loved and watched after on a small scale.
I have to take measurements for my possible new couch! Gee I hope it fits, and then make arrangements for Will and I to drive out and get it! He’s so endlessly dependable. I have to do something to repay him. I have offered to help clean and organize his house as well as decorating and painting it there after. I hope this is sufficient. When it comes to good people like him, and like Anne. I don’t feel like I give back enough.
I’m also registering for class this week. Once that begins I doubt I’ll have time for anyone to waste anymore.
So I’ll be taking it pretty easy. Maybe the gym here and there, maybe doing nothing with a select few. But mostly it will be spent reading and napping I think. Anne and I are going to see Cage next week and Elisha visits that weekend. I have to be pretty careful with my money anyway.
My father adorably called me at work today, concerned about my well being due to my facebook status, something I now know he keeps a sharp eye on. This doesn’t make me uncomfortable, I don’t really hide anything from my parents. They usually know my every move. It in fact makes me feel loved and watched after on a small scale.
I have to take measurements for my possible new couch! Gee I hope it fits, and then make arrangements for Will and I to drive out and get it! He’s so endlessly dependable. I have to do something to repay him. I have offered to help clean and organize his house as well as decorating and painting it there after. I hope this is sufficient. When it comes to good people like him, and like Anne. I don’t feel like I give back enough.
I’m also registering for class this week. Once that begins I doubt I’ll have time for anyone to waste anymore.
So I’ll be taking it pretty easy. Maybe the gym here and there, maybe doing nothing with a select few. But mostly it will be spent reading and napping I think. Anne and I are going to see Cage next week and Elisha visits that weekend. I have to be pretty careful with my money anyway.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Broccoli
Ow I want my teeth back. I can feel this in every single one of my teeth. I have worsened things for myself. The money I lack this week is the source of so many problems. Can’t replace my cell phone. Can’t buy groceries. And I’m starving seeing how I can’t eat anything substancial. In desperation at my parents I ate the left over (delicious) grilled veggies from their dinner. And that broccoli ruined my life. I chewed, a mistake, and part of it got lodged in one of my gaping holes and hurt quite badly when it came out. I slept on a pillow of frozen peas. I have brought those peas to work with me today. I am starving again. This is such misery.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Hurts Me, Darling, Hurts Me
I am exhausted and it serves me right. How are you going to get surgery on your feet, and then a week later get your wisdom teeth removed, as a result of which be on a liquid only diet which as you can assume doesn’t lead to much of a calorie intake. I cleaned my apartment like a crazy person and then had the genius idea to drink. Oh the misery.
I’m attempting a chipotle burrito bol today. I actually want to feel like I’ve eaten something!! Today I’m going to take some measurements in my apartment to make sure I can get this couch in, and that it’ll fit nicely. I’m rather excited about it. And Will has access to a pick up truck and will help me transport it! Is there any other news to speak of? I don’t think so. I’m torn in my love affairs. I lost my cell phone (CANNOT FIND IT!), I’m getting internet and cable next month as well as starting school. I’m certainly moving toward the future. Its so close.
I can feel the weight redistributing across my teeth. I don’t like it one bit.
I’m attempting a chipotle burrito bol today. I actually want to feel like I’ve eaten something!! Today I’m going to take some measurements in my apartment to make sure I can get this couch in, and that it’ll fit nicely. I’m rather excited about it. And Will has access to a pick up truck and will help me transport it! Is there any other news to speak of? I don’t think so. I’m torn in my love affairs. I lost my cell phone (CANNOT FIND IT!), I’m getting internet and cable next month as well as starting school. I’m certainly moving toward the future. Its so close.
I can feel the weight redistributing across my teeth. I don’t like it one bit.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Please, again, try to say Megan Fox hasn't had surgery
Frankly I think she was prettier before..like below
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Don't Mistake Me
Things are UP!
I get my stitches out today, this fills me with delight. I'm going to go to a spin class straight after! Bad idea you say? WRONG! I need to keep blood flowing through my feet and legs, they like how active I've become! Gosh I've missed working out.
Following that I'm hitting the town with Anne, Will and John! It's Kevin's art show (I may even buy something!) Its going to be quite the night! Matt is to join at some point as well. I'm happy our friendship has gotten where it is. Tonight will shine :)
And I'm off work tomorrow, what a relief! how exciting! Jess is having a party I'm going to attend, I haven't seen her in quite sometime. A Pool Party!
I may or may not hop to another party with Jenn in the evening. And I'm not sure if Guy gets home tonight or tomorrow, but hes elegedly having a party, I hope its tomorrow not Saturday. I gave my word to Rachel, Scott and Elisha that I'd go to Pa. Guy and I have a score to settle. It'll befun dreadful to see him.
Oh summer, I'm excited to see you after all. Despite a lot of downers, I have a lot of friends who love me and good time ahead.
I get my stitches out today, this fills me with delight. I'm going to go to a spin class straight after! Bad idea you say? WRONG! I need to keep blood flowing through my feet and legs, they like how active I've become! Gosh I've missed working out.
Following that I'm hitting the town with Anne, Will and John! It's Kevin's art show (I may even buy something!) Its going to be quite the night! Matt is to join at some point as well. I'm happy our friendship has gotten where it is. Tonight will shine :)
And I'm off work tomorrow, what a relief! how exciting! Jess is having a party I'm going to attend, I haven't seen her in quite sometime. A Pool Party!
I may or may not hop to another party with Jenn in the evening. And I'm not sure if Guy gets home tonight or tomorrow, but hes elegedly having a party, I hope its tomorrow not Saturday. I gave my word to Rachel, Scott and Elisha that I'd go to Pa. Guy and I have a score to settle. It'll be
Oh summer, I'm excited to see you after all. Despite a lot of downers, I have a lot of friends who love me and good time ahead.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Somethings have improved. Somethings have worsened.
Dylan turned up, thank god. She was a perfect cuddle partner yesterday and last night. My god, last night...Sometimes, no matter how tired I am her precious little ways can keep me up in awe for a moment. It’s good that she’s safe. I’m at work right now. I feel very very sick. I think I really over did it yesterday, walked too much. I woke up in such pain this morning so I took one of my stronger medications. This quickly became a mistake. I’ve been on the verge of throwing up all morning. I can barely see the screen as I’m typing I’m so dizzy. I’m going home for a couple hours then I’m going to try to find a ride back to work. Will is coming to get me. That’s really really sweet of him. God I still feel on the verge of throwing up. And its funny hat day at work. I’m going to look absolutely crazy when Will gets here. I doubt he’ll care though.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Hello, Week from Hell
I can hardly handle all this bad shit at once. First my band and my supposed best friend. To find out so many lies about yourself, and so many terrible truths about someone you loved so much. Then to have someone who was bringing you a degree of excitement also be full of shit. Then to get surgery limiting movement. And now lastly my landlord has accidentally let me kitten out and can’t find her anywhere, while I’m trapped at work unable to drive, and even if I could really unable to run around my neighborhood looking for her.
God Fucking Damnit.
God Fucking Damnit.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Look to Find
Page 62 of a magazine, doppelganger, blond hair, one picture she's beautiful, the other not.
My stomach since last night has been in knots or some sort of tight discomfort. A passing light burning on my right arm, it comes and goes. Brings my attention to a reminder of the patterns of my life. The irreversible out of my hands pattern.
I've been thinking a lot of two particular sets of words said by important men, admired men, good men.
"It is necessary to the happiness of a man that he remain faithful to himself"
"Our lives begin to end the day we are silent about the things that matter"
I've been thinking a lot about dying. And about other things too. About loyalty, faithfulness, humanity, love...what it means to love someone. I have nothing profound to say. No clarity. Only a feeling of loss and exhaustion, a hunger for something to give way to the faith I don't shake. Something to make the good in me have reason.
The next step in this familiar dance? running, only to find the same thing. I'm tired and my eyes are dry. I will be still for now, I will childishly wait for change, because you don't find it when you go looking, and your actions don't give it might to fly.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Z Z Z Z Z Z
I am so tired today. I can’t believe I’m going to drive three hours to pa, I must take a nap first. Last night was fun. Jason and I saw the hangover. It was hilarious typical Zach. Zach basically just played himself, and I do like Bradley Cooper! Pretty much every character was funny. I ended up at Tsunami, because why else? It’s Thursday night! Anne was is rare form. I struggled to catch up but made it to a good place J we enjoyed wawa before passing out like we do. It being casual Friday I just wore what I wore last night again only I was wearing a one piece and jeans so I threw on a t from my car, a converge t haha.
I’m looking forward to this nap, I hope my landlord isn’t still there working on my bathroom so I can actually get some rest. So I’m gonna drop my apartment key off to Jeff and a movie off to Jason then I’m hitting the road.
This weekend should be fun. I do miss Melissa and Erik. We’re going to a flea market in the morning and then we’ll work out and possibly paint. Probably play music too, I miss playing music. We’ve been asking to play a wedding next summer. That should be a blast.
Fuck, I’m tired.
I’m looking forward to this nap, I hope my landlord isn’t still there working on my bathroom so I can actually get some rest. So I’m gonna drop my apartment key off to Jeff and a movie off to Jason then I’m hitting the road.
This weekend should be fun. I do miss Melissa and Erik. We’re going to a flea market in the morning and then we’ll work out and possibly paint. Probably play music too, I miss playing music. We’ve been asking to play a wedding next summer. That should be a blast.
Fuck, I’m tired.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Ten Minutes
Today is one of the slowest days of all. I was on time, its rainy and gloomy out. I had wanted to get up super early and take a spin class at 6am. It is impossible to get up early in that kind of weather unless its completely necessary. I would’ve brought clothes and worked out on my break but I had to do pre op on my break today. They said it would take 30 minutes. It took two hours. And even still I have nothing to do at work today. I finished over half of what I had to do before 10am. It is now 1:22pm I’m out of things to do. Hence, this.
I think I’ve decided to skip nyc this weekend. I took so long at the hospital today it isn’t logical to take all of Monday off. The coffee I’m drinking is terrible. I haven’t really eaten a thing since I took too long to eat lunch and ran too far behind to eat breakfast. I hope Jason and I eat otherwise I’ll pig out on popcorn in the most unattractive way…I’ll probably do that anyway.
I think I’ll go see Erik and Melissa this weekend. I miss them. They seem to miss me. And I won’t see them again until July 4th and I haven’t seen them for a month. I miss Rachel too. I’ll go to nyc next month, when Steve doesn’t have to work and a ton of people aren’t there for him to entertain. We both want it to be lax, and the weather is to continue on gray like this for the upcoming week or so.
To put it in perspective, I even did a lot of tomorrow’s work. And yet, here I sit three and a half hours to go.
Tonight I’m seeing the hang over. I’ve heard good things. Zach Galifianakis is my fav.
I need to wake up though. I can’t be so zombie like on a date.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Obscure
3 and a half left. I guess it’s the usual.
Today seems it may be a day of complications, but hardly. I overslept for work. Fell asleep two thirds into a movie and never woke up, until I needed to be at work. Everyday my job has trivia, usually movie trivia. I have won every single day since it began, I guess almost two weeks ago. It switched over to riddles today. Won again. Jason and I were to go to the movies tomorrow, for the hell of it I went to check times, whoops it comes out Friday. Today is my third day in a row hanging with Meredith. I really missed her.
We watched Synecdoche a couple days ago, I hadn’t seen it since it had been in theaters. Moved me again, or rather consumed me. She and I discussed some of the symbolism after, mostly Hazel’s house being on fire. I gave thought to it today. I think the symbolism behind it is found in a quote in which Caden says “We are all hurtling towards death. Yet, here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we will die; each of us secretly believing we won’t.” I think the fire is to represent her eventual death. That eventually you will die in the fire, eventually everyone is going to die. Even when speaking to the realtor when she buys the house she says she is scared of dying in the fire. To which the realtor says it’s a hard decision choosing how one is going to die, then introduces Hazel to her son who later becomes Hazel’s husband. A choice Hazel makes despite loving Caden, I suppose out of fear of dying alone. I think the fire also reflects Caden’s fear of losing her. That if he were to have her he knows one day he would have to lose her, like one loses everyone. On their one night together, Caden says “My heart aches for you.” Hazel “We’re here, Caden. I’m here.” Caden “My heart aches for it being over” Hazel “The end is built into the beginning. What can you do?”
"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you'll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. And the truth is I'm so angry and the truth is I'm so fucking sad, and the truth is I've been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I'm ok, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. "
Today seems it may be a day of complications, but hardly. I overslept for work. Fell asleep two thirds into a movie and never woke up, until I needed to be at work. Everyday my job has trivia, usually movie trivia. I have won every single day since it began, I guess almost two weeks ago. It switched over to riddles today. Won again. Jason and I were to go to the movies tomorrow, for the hell of it I went to check times, whoops it comes out Friday. Today is my third day in a row hanging with Meredith. I really missed her.
We watched Synecdoche a couple days ago, I hadn’t seen it since it had been in theaters. Moved me again, or rather consumed me. She and I discussed some of the symbolism after, mostly Hazel’s house being on fire. I gave thought to it today. I think the symbolism behind it is found in a quote in which Caden says “We are all hurtling towards death. Yet, here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we will die; each of us secretly believing we won’t.” I think the fire is to represent her eventual death. That eventually you will die in the fire, eventually everyone is going to die. Even when speaking to the realtor when she buys the house she says she is scared of dying in the fire. To which the realtor says it’s a hard decision choosing how one is going to die, then introduces Hazel to her son who later becomes Hazel’s husband. A choice Hazel makes despite loving Caden, I suppose out of fear of dying alone. I think the fire also reflects Caden’s fear of losing her. That if he were to have her he knows one day he would have to lose her, like one loses everyone. On their one night together, Caden says “My heart aches for you.” Hazel “We’re here, Caden. I’m here.” Caden “My heart aches for it being over” Hazel “The end is built into the beginning. What can you do?”
"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you'll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. And the truth is I'm so angry and the truth is I'm so fucking sad, and the truth is I've been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I'm ok, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. "
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Boorrrinnnggg
Another excruciatingly long day. Not to much to be done at work either. Finally got a response back from a parking citation in San Francisco I’ve been trying and trying to contest. I knew I’d have to pay it but I didn’t know I’d have to pay late fees, and collection fees. It was under review!! That hardly seems fair.
I never did make it to spin class yesterday, I thought of inviting Meredith but wasn’t sure if she’d be interested turns out she would’ve been. I made dinner for her and I. Cilantro Orange Chicken. I accidentally bought low fat chicken, gross. It was super thin and ended up being pretty dry after being cooked. We went by the mall, didn’t purchase anything. Did you know it closes at 9 now? The economy I suppose. We rented Synecdoche, which I hadn’t seen since it was in theaters. I cried a little again. Mostly at the sad parts about his daughter, sometimes about Hazel too. I read the script today. I also bought Role Models & Pineapple Express. I love both of those movies.
Today Mer and I are going to go to spin class at 730. I might take it easy after. I’m a little tired. Could be the weather. It’s really nice out today, something along the lines of before a storm on the beach. It feels nice.
I wish I had something interesting to say. I don’t. It’ll be neat visiting with people this weekend in NYC. Steve, Taylor and possibly Krist.
I never did make it to spin class yesterday, I thought of inviting Meredith but wasn’t sure if she’d be interested turns out she would’ve been. I made dinner for her and I. Cilantro Orange Chicken. I accidentally bought low fat chicken, gross. It was super thin and ended up being pretty dry after being cooked. We went by the mall, didn’t purchase anything. Did you know it closes at 9 now? The economy I suppose. We rented Synecdoche, which I hadn’t seen since it was in theaters. I cried a little again. Mostly at the sad parts about his daughter, sometimes about Hazel too. I read the script today. I also bought Role Models & Pineapple Express. I love both of those movies.
Today Mer and I are going to go to spin class at 730. I might take it easy after. I’m a little tired. Could be the weather. It’s really nice out today, something along the lines of before a storm on the beach. It feels nice.
I wish I had something interesting to say. I don’t. It’ll be neat visiting with people this weekend in NYC. Steve, Taylor and possibly Krist.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Close The Door
Today seems a decent day especially for a Monday. I’m finding ways to keep busy at work limiting internet use (yes I know this is the internet, but you wouldn’t believe the improvement). Typically I’m done my work and bored to tears. Today I made it to 3 o clock without reading a single blog aside from one friend’s. Usually I read all kinds of blogs, science geek blogs, music blogs even celebrity, I’m also a big fan of fail blog. And I do not do this instead of working; I do it while working; while on hold, while waiting for a program to load or something of that vein. Currently I am just done all my work for the day.
I hope to catch spin class after work. They can fill up fast and its thirty min after I get off, could take me that long in traffic. I suppose worst case I’ll just do my regular work out routine. Following that it’s a pretty low key day. No cleaning to do seeing how I already did that this weekend (I’m proud of me!). I guess I’ll go straight to making dinner for myself. I’m a little tired. Don’t know why I got sufficient sleep, exercise will probably energize me. I did eat turkey for lunch.
Tomorrow I think Sean and I are getting coffee and playing catch up. Wednesday I have no plans either, its karaoke night, but Friday gave me my fill of that. The drunk I have to reach to do it is almost undesirable right now, especially because I’m sleepy as I think of it. Thursday I have a date with Jason. We’re seeing Year One. Everyone on imdb seems to think it’ll be bad. Who writes on a movie they don’t like? …Unless that movie is Twilight. It isn’t released so there aren’t any reviews. I found one script review and they seemed to think it was hilarious. So here’s hoping. I love Michael Cera, and David Cross. Paul Rudd has a small part, adore him and Jack Black is funny.
Nothing much else going on especially Friday. I’m going to NYC this weekend so Friday I’ll probably hit the hay early. Surgery next week. Let the pain and incapacitation begin.
I leave you with this...Man Gets struck by lightning while bbqing only utters sausages
also kid makes below barrell monster and gets arrested
I hope to catch spin class after work. They can fill up fast and its thirty min after I get off, could take me that long in traffic. I suppose worst case I’ll just do my regular work out routine. Following that it’s a pretty low key day. No cleaning to do seeing how I already did that this weekend (I’m proud of me!). I guess I’ll go straight to making dinner for myself. I’m a little tired. Don’t know why I got sufficient sleep, exercise will probably energize me. I did eat turkey for lunch.
Tomorrow I think Sean and I are getting coffee and playing catch up. Wednesday I have no plans either, its karaoke night, but Friday gave me my fill of that. The drunk I have to reach to do it is almost undesirable right now, especially because I’m sleepy as I think of it. Thursday I have a date with Jason. We’re seeing Year One. Everyone on imdb seems to think it’ll be bad. Who writes on a movie they don’t like? …Unless that movie is Twilight. It isn’t released so there aren’t any reviews. I found one script review and they seemed to think it was hilarious. So here’s hoping. I love Michael Cera, and David Cross. Paul Rudd has a small part, adore him and Jack Black is funny.
Nothing much else going on especially Friday. I’m going to NYC this weekend so Friday I’ll probably hit the hay early. Surgery next week. Let the pain and incapacitation begin.
I leave you with this...Man Gets struck by lightning while bbqing only utters sausages
also kid makes below barrell monster and gets arrested
Friday, June 12, 2009
You Must Make Sure You're Happy When You Leave Your Summer Places
No real changes. I have a feeling though that things are better in such a minor way I’m not noticing it. Like my looks for example. I have been going to the gym almost everyday for nearly a month. I’ve been taking spin classes, yoga classes and have noticed practically no difference. Perhaps I’m impatient. But I’m just not near how I want to look. Jeff made a comment last night about how good I look and if I’ve been working out. I was shocked and delighted by this. Perhaps I should really slow on the drinking. It’s just hard when everyone is already mad at me for not hanging out and hanging out to them is ultimately…drinking.
Today was a good day at work. I don’t know how I was so full of energy seeing as I had a pretty good buzz going last night. (3 drinks, 3 shots), and also got to bed late due to red bull being involved in one of those shots. This time spent up however didn’t go to waste. I prepared and packed lunch and breakfast for today, and had an engaging text conversation. I felt crazy when I awoke but somehow filled with energy and spirit, perhaps the red bull still. I got so much work done, and efficiently. While I don’t really care for the work I do, it still feels good.
I had intended to take a spin class after work today, but was wrong about the scheduled classes. I’m going to take one tomorrow and pilates with Anne. Also I had forgotten I told the girls at work I would go to happy hour with them. I have bailed every Friday that I’ve worked here, they don’t care for this too much. I think I’ll just grab one drink. Maybe a car bomb with Tina. Following this I am to meet up with Larry, Jeff and Shawn…to drink. So much for not drinking. But I suppose its okay aside from the money I’ll be spending because next week I get surgery resulting in serious pain killers, can’t drink that week. And then I have surgery again the second week in july. No drinking then. Perhaps I’ll try not to drink at all between the two surgeries! That could be positive!
I really want to buy a bass, and a couch and get my new tattoo! I will never have the money for these things. I need to paint, and have some bs artshow and hopefully sell some work. Larry will buy one of my paintings for $200, that’s a bass, or one session of my tattoo! I made a rule that I can’t get any of my tattoo done until I reach my fitness/health goal.
Despite all these constant complaints, I feel very confident in myself these days. I feel strong. I feel a willingness to confront issues for the most part.
Today was a good day at work. I don’t know how I was so full of energy seeing as I had a pretty good buzz going last night. (3 drinks, 3 shots), and also got to bed late due to red bull being involved in one of those shots. This time spent up however didn’t go to waste. I prepared and packed lunch and breakfast for today, and had an engaging text conversation. I felt crazy when I awoke but somehow filled with energy and spirit, perhaps the red bull still. I got so much work done, and efficiently. While I don’t really care for the work I do, it still feels good.
I had intended to take a spin class after work today, but was wrong about the scheduled classes. I’m going to take one tomorrow and pilates with Anne. Also I had forgotten I told the girls at work I would go to happy hour with them. I have bailed every Friday that I’ve worked here, they don’t care for this too much. I think I’ll just grab one drink. Maybe a car bomb with Tina. Following this I am to meet up with Larry, Jeff and Shawn…to drink. So much for not drinking. But I suppose its okay aside from the money I’ll be spending because next week I get surgery resulting in serious pain killers, can’t drink that week. And then I have surgery again the second week in july. No drinking then. Perhaps I’ll try not to drink at all between the two surgeries! That could be positive!
I really want to buy a bass, and a couch and get my new tattoo! I will never have the money for these things. I need to paint, and have some bs artshow and hopefully sell some work. Larry will buy one of my paintings for $200, that’s a bass, or one session of my tattoo! I made a rule that I can’t get any of my tattoo done until I reach my fitness/health goal.
Despite all these constant complaints, I feel very confident in myself these days. I feel strong. I feel a willingness to confront issues for the most part.
Monday, June 8, 2009
God, It's so sweet of you
I little bit calmer than when I last wrote although no movement has happened. Still the same old. I took a cycling class, KILLED ME. However, for that reason, I’m going to do it every week. Maybe I’ll see some results! I’ve continued going to the gym. I guess I’ve seen some changes but nothing major. I want major. (reference the picture in the last entry)
Money hasn’t improved, and won’t in the foreseeable future. I have taken off a couple days for doctor’s appointments now that I have health insurance. So now, I have to get my wisdom teeth removed. Le sigh. I’ll never get my next tattoo, or my bass. My bills are a little better off. I wish I could give my mom and my dad some money. I know they’re both struggling as well.
I hope to go to Toronto in August to visit Kaitlyn, something I’ve promised to do for years. I think I can save up enough by then.
The boy department is the same but a little clearer. It seems that I can only have one outcome or the other. The obsessive think we’re destined type or the I find you irresistible and have to have you…..in bed type. I’d like something in between if anything. But I don’t have the time nor the trust for a boyfriend. Why am I blogging about this?
I’ve finished no further work on that painting, but I get paid Wednesday so I’ll go get supplies.
Nothing else to mention. Haven’t been to PA in awhile, nothing at work is different. Old friends are still angry with me for my absence and who could blame them. Dylan recently discovered the outdoors and has since been a pain.
I’m craving margaritas and guacamole and hang out time with Meredith & Larry.
Money hasn’t improved, and won’t in the foreseeable future. I have taken off a couple days for doctor’s appointments now that I have health insurance. So now, I have to get my wisdom teeth removed. Le sigh. I’ll never get my next tattoo, or my bass. My bills are a little better off. I wish I could give my mom and my dad some money. I know they’re both struggling as well.
I hope to go to Toronto in August to visit Kaitlyn, something I’ve promised to do for years. I think I can save up enough by then.
The boy department is the same but a little clearer. It seems that I can only have one outcome or the other. The obsessive think we’re destined type or the I find you irresistible and have to have you…..in bed type. I’d like something in between if anything. But I don’t have the time nor the trust for a boyfriend. Why am I blogging about this?
I’ve finished no further work on that painting, but I get paid Wednesday so I’ll go get supplies.
Nothing else to mention. Haven’t been to PA in awhile, nothing at work is different. Old friends are still angry with me for my absence and who could blame them. Dylan recently discovered the outdoors and has since been a pain.
I’m craving margaritas and guacamole and hang out time with Meredith & Larry.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Every Option I Have Costs More Than I've Got
Any blog that I write will be so terribly prosaic.I'm sinking again. I need to lift up, high, high, high.I feel like I'm not getting enough rest, enough done. Time is dragging. Perhaps it's the job. Perhaps it's that I'm not in school. Not crushing on anyone. Not doing much else.
I worked more on this painting that larry loves. He says he'll pay anything for it, it's not even complete. I need new brushes before I can carry on with it. Thats a goal. To finish that. I'd like to complete enough to have an art show. I could use the money for school! I should see to that. I need money to buy supplies. I need money to buy a bass to start bass lessons. I need money for school. It appears any idea of bettering myself is expensive.
I feel like I'm wallowing toward my future. I have little to be excited about. My, if you saw me and read this the confusion you'd be overcome with. I'm happy. I'm satisfied with things overall. I just want to feel excited, fulfilled and alive somehow. I just feel...still.
I worked more on this painting that larry loves. He says he'll pay anything for it, it's not even complete. I need new brushes before I can carry on with it. Thats a goal. To finish that. I'd like to complete enough to have an art show. I could use the money for school! I should see to that. I need money to buy supplies. I need money to buy a bass to start bass lessons. I need money for school. It appears any idea of bettering myself is expensive.
I feel like I'm wallowing toward my future. I have little to be excited about. My, if you saw me and read this the confusion you'd be overcome with. I'm happy. I'm satisfied with things overall. I just want to feel excited, fulfilled and alive somehow. I just feel...still.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Pain is Universal, Baby
I can feel my motivation slowing down, if not ceasing.I feel tired and uninspired today. I've been so focused ever since I've returned home. Trying not to go out and party as much, paying bills, from there improving my gpa. I've gone out three times since I've been paid, well? Maybe twice. It hit my paycheck hard and my bar tabs were low. I didn't go out to several things I was to attend either, likely causing anger toward me. Yet, I'm almost out of money. Had to renew my parking permit today $30. Had to buy a cell phone charger $30. California parking ticket, unspeakable.I just wonder if I'll ever be able to accomplish my goals. I feel trapped. I feel exhausted. I feel little support in the things I'm trying to create for myself. Anne seems to be the only person showing me understanding and encouragement. My upstairs neighbors moved out. I should move out. My apartment is just too expensive.
...I have no where to go. I can't move back in with my parents. No, that isn't stubbornness, I mean that they have told me I can't. My father said I can, but it would be of no benefit. I would pay rent there, and for a room I could only fit my bed into and a shared bathroom. My privacy would be gone. My belongings would be gone. My complete sense of individualism and freedom, gone. I could only justify giving those things up to go to school full time, which I couldn't do if I had to pay rent and therefore work.
I feel I'm buckling under stress. I want more for myself and my future.
...I have no where to go. I can't move back in with my parents. No, that isn't stubbornness, I mean that they have told me I can't. My father said I can, but it would be of no benefit. I would pay rent there, and for a room I could only fit my bed into and a shared bathroom. My privacy would be gone. My belongings would be gone. My complete sense of individualism and freedom, gone. I could only justify giving those things up to go to school full time, which I couldn't do if I had to pay rent and therefore work.
I feel I'm buckling under stress. I want more for myself and my future.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
"Someday Jess, I'm just not ready"
Today isn’t one of my best days, but this weekend may have been.
I didn’t feel much like going to work today. I woke up feeling rollercoaster queasy, and still haven’t been able to shake it although it has improved.
I did drink yesterday, but sobered up before driving home and therefore before sleeping. I wasn’t plastered, but perhaps hammered enough to shoot off at the mouth as well as at the fingers (text messages).
Upon arriving home from my road trip I had certain plans. Those plans involved starting over, something I still think would be very beneficial to me. I was going to, for the fourth time, move to Pennsylvania. I wanted to work in a hospital, get assistance with med school. I wanted to be near Melissa, Erik, Rachel, Elisha, Scott and Steve. I could participate in the band more. I could be closer to my best friend. I could finish school, save money, take back control over my life…which I had let spin out of control in the fall of last year. Due to the economy, the jobs weren’t there. The hospital has a hiring freeze, and despite five months of searching daily, I found nothing. So here I am, in Maryland.
I can’t say that I mind. And I can tell you that everything I hoped to gain from moving, I am not giving up on. I immediately started working on my return. I haven’t been drinking that money. I have been paying up debt, getting my credit back in order. Following that I intend to pay to go to school again, get my gpa in order. I’ve been eating right, cooking and going to the gym. I will not allow my distance from the band to affect my performance. I will be there for every band practice and every show. I am also taking it upon myself to book shows around where I live. I teamed up with Erik for this past Saturday’s show. It fell in our lap, and was a show I originally suggested we cancel. It went beautifully. I can’t even express my gratitude toward my friends. How touched I am by not only how many people came, but who came. The support I felt that night filled up my heart like an air balloon. I have felt like I’m flying for days, and I cannot remember the last time I’ve felt that way. I don’t even know if I can say I’ve ever felt that much support and love. I wish the night lasted a week, so I could’ve slowed down and given everyone the individual loving attention they deserved, Megan McGaughey most of all.
This state is full of wonderful people. I have realized my tendency to cowardly run away. I will have a family within a group of people, I love them and they love me. We grow to depend on each other, trust each other. And then as a result of some failed romance, I completely flee the scene. I leave behind a lot of special people. It is unfair of me to in my distress hurt other people who had no part in it. And I think I was partly doing it again in moving Pennsylvania, while I think it is what is best for me, I would again be hurting people close to me.
I intend to leave this place, but before I do I intend to give people what they deserve from me. I won’t be leaving with a mind never to look back, but a gratitude for the people who make Maryland beautiful, and that have a lot to do with any beauty within me.
Well I simply wouldn’t be myself if I wasn’t in some sort of romantic predicament. With the warm weather has come a lot of attention toward me, most of it nostalgic. This isn’t directed at one person, in fact its around four dudes. And it is with no disdain. I’m just a little confused by this attention…this mind set of me being the one that got away. The ‘what could’ve been’. I showed patience with each of you, as well as loyalty and understanding. Its frustrating for me to get what I wanted….quite frankly too late. I’m trying to make sense of it. If its part of the literary romance we seem to fancy. That aching and longing. I have a good mind that if I were to return the feelings I’m finding toward me, they would vanish from you like a dream upon waking. But perhaps the same could be said of me. Perhaps the reason situations like ours is so frequent in my life because I suffer of the same warped romantic needs. The struggle that’s song worthy, consuming, and able to be written of. Either way, I’m done with it. Weather it’s me. Weather it’s you. Or perhaps both. I want something simple, clear and honest if anything at all. I ask that each of you respect the friendships we’ve worked hard to have through much difficulty. For this is making my head spin. And there is no doubt I’m tempted. Today though, I find myself liking someone really special and unlike the usual. I don’t want the same old confusion and games. The same lust. I just want a kiss from him placed upon my cheek.
I didn’t feel much like going to work today. I woke up feeling rollercoaster queasy, and still haven’t been able to shake it although it has improved.
I did drink yesterday, but sobered up before driving home and therefore before sleeping. I wasn’t plastered, but perhaps hammered enough to shoot off at the mouth as well as at the fingers (text messages).
Upon arriving home from my road trip I had certain plans. Those plans involved starting over, something I still think would be very beneficial to me. I was going to, for the fourth time, move to Pennsylvania. I wanted to work in a hospital, get assistance with med school. I wanted to be near Melissa, Erik, Rachel, Elisha, Scott and Steve. I could participate in the band more. I could be closer to my best friend. I could finish school, save money, take back control over my life…which I had let spin out of control in the fall of last year. Due to the economy, the jobs weren’t there. The hospital has a hiring freeze, and despite five months of searching daily, I found nothing. So here I am, in Maryland.
I can’t say that I mind. And I can tell you that everything I hoped to gain from moving, I am not giving up on. I immediately started working on my return. I haven’t been drinking that money. I have been paying up debt, getting my credit back in order. Following that I intend to pay to go to school again, get my gpa in order. I’ve been eating right, cooking and going to the gym. I will not allow my distance from the band to affect my performance. I will be there for every band practice and every show. I am also taking it upon myself to book shows around where I live. I teamed up with Erik for this past Saturday’s show. It fell in our lap, and was a show I originally suggested we cancel. It went beautifully. I can’t even express my gratitude toward my friends. How touched I am by not only how many people came, but who came. The support I felt that night filled up my heart like an air balloon. I have felt like I’m flying for days, and I cannot remember the last time I’ve felt that way. I don’t even know if I can say I’ve ever felt that much support and love. I wish the night lasted a week, so I could’ve slowed down and given everyone the individual loving attention they deserved, Megan McGaughey most of all.
This state is full of wonderful people. I have realized my tendency to cowardly run away. I will have a family within a group of people, I love them and they love me. We grow to depend on each other, trust each other. And then as a result of some failed romance, I completely flee the scene. I leave behind a lot of special people. It is unfair of me to in my distress hurt other people who had no part in it. And I think I was partly doing it again in moving Pennsylvania, while I think it is what is best for me, I would again be hurting people close to me.
I intend to leave this place, but before I do I intend to give people what they deserve from me. I won’t be leaving with a mind never to look back, but a gratitude for the people who make Maryland beautiful, and that have a lot to do with any beauty within me.
Well I simply wouldn’t be myself if I wasn’t in some sort of romantic predicament. With the warm weather has come a lot of attention toward me, most of it nostalgic. This isn’t directed at one person, in fact its around four dudes. And it is with no disdain. I’m just a little confused by this attention…this mind set of me being the one that got away. The ‘what could’ve been’. I showed patience with each of you, as well as loyalty and understanding. Its frustrating for me to get what I wanted….quite frankly too late. I’m trying to make sense of it. If its part of the literary romance we seem to fancy. That aching and longing. I have a good mind that if I were to return the feelings I’m finding toward me, they would vanish from you like a dream upon waking. But perhaps the same could be said of me. Perhaps the reason situations like ours is so frequent in my life because I suffer of the same warped romantic needs. The struggle that’s song worthy, consuming, and able to be written of. Either way, I’m done with it. Weather it’s me. Weather it’s you. Or perhaps both. I want something simple, clear and honest if anything at all. I ask that each of you respect the friendships we’ve worked hard to have through much difficulty. For this is making my head spin. And there is no doubt I’m tempted. Today though, I find myself liking someone really special and unlike the usual. I don’t want the same old confusion and games. The same lust. I just want a kiss from him placed upon my cheek.
New Beginnings, Mid Year, Overdue
Maybe I should be keeping one of these things again.I keep out of touch with enough people that it could be semi insightful as to what’s occupying my time as well as what’s on my mind. If you’re interested. ;)
If you’ve ever read my blogs before, they really shouldn’t exist. It usually ends up being a little too personal or intense for public posting even without the names. Conclusions are met, most of which usually wrong or a severe exaggeration of the truth. However it allows me some sort of coward’s way to address things I will not say aloud.
But worry not readers, which I can only imagine will be like three and a half people. This will not simply contain an account of my days in some made for reality television way. I intend to include mp3s of music that I want to share, and other art of a similar vein, some of which may be my own.
I'm getting on my feet, and documenting it.
So now to begin…
If you’ve ever read my blogs before, they really shouldn’t exist. It usually ends up being a little too personal or intense for public posting even without the names. Conclusions are met, most of which usually wrong or a severe exaggeration of the truth. However it allows me some sort of coward’s way to address things I will not say aloud.
But worry not readers, which I can only imagine will be like three and a half people. This will not simply contain an account of my days in some made for reality television way. I intend to include mp3s of music that I want to share, and other art of a similar vein, some of which may be my own.
I'm getting on my feet, and documenting it.
So now to begin…
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