"Someday Jess, I'm just not ready"

Today isn’t one of my best days, but this weekend may have been.
I didn’t feel much like going to work today. I woke up feeling rollercoaster queasy, and still haven’t been able to shake it although it has improved.
I did drink yesterday, but sobered up before driving home and therefore before sleeping. I wasn’t plastered, but perhaps hammered enough to shoot off at the mouth as well as at the fingers (text messages).

Upon arriving home from my road trip I had certain plans. Those plans involved starting over, something I still think would be very beneficial to me. I was going to, for the fourth time, move to Pennsylvania. I wanted to work in a hospital, get assistance with med school. I wanted to be near Melissa, Erik, Rachel, Elisha, Scott and Steve. I could participate in the band more. I could be closer to my best friend. I could finish school, save money, take back control over my life…which I had let spin out of control in the fall of last year. Due to the economy, the jobs weren’t there. The hospital has a hiring freeze, and despite five months of searching daily, I found nothing. So here I am, in Maryland.

I can’t say that I mind. And I can tell you that everything I hoped to gain from moving, I am not giving up on. I immediately started working on my return. I haven’t been drinking that money. I have been paying up debt, getting my credit back in order. Following that I intend to pay to go to school again, get my gpa in order. I’ve been eating right, cooking and going to the gym. I will not allow my distance from the band to affect my performance. I will be there for every band practice and every show. I am also taking it upon myself to book shows around where I live. I teamed up with Erik for this past Saturday’s show. It fell in our lap, and was a show I originally suggested we cancel. It went beautifully. I can’t even express my gratitude toward my friends. How touched I am by not only how many people came, but who came. The support I felt that night filled up my heart like an air balloon. I have felt like I’m flying for days, and I cannot remember the last time I’ve felt that way. I don’t even know if I can say I’ve ever felt that much support and love. I wish the night lasted a week, so I could’ve slowed down and given everyone the individual loving attention they deserved, Megan McGaughey most of all.

This state is full of wonderful people. I have realized my tendency to cowardly run away. I will have a family within a group of people, I love them and they love me. We grow to depend on each other, trust each other. And then as a result of some failed romance, I completely flee the scene. I leave behind a lot of special people. It is unfair of me to in my distress hurt other people who had no part in it. And I think I was partly doing it again in moving Pennsylvania, while I think it is what is best for me, I would again be hurting people close to me.

I intend to leave this place, but before I do I intend to give people what they deserve from me. I won’t be leaving with a mind never to look back, but a gratitude for the people who make Maryland beautiful, and that have a lot to do with any beauty within me.

Well I simply wouldn’t be myself if I wasn’t in some sort of romantic predicament. With the warm weather has come a lot of attention toward me, most of it nostalgic. This isn’t directed at one person, in fact its around four dudes. And it is with no disdain. I’m just a little confused by this attention…this mind set of me being the one that got away. The ‘what could’ve been’. I showed patience with each of you, as well as loyalty and understanding. Its frustrating for me to get what I wanted….quite frankly too late. I’m trying to make sense of it. If its part of the literary romance we seem to fancy. That aching and longing. I have a good mind that if I were to return the feelings I’m finding toward me, they would vanish from you like a dream upon waking. But perhaps the same could be said of me. Perhaps the reason situations like ours is so frequent in my life because I suffer of the same warped romantic needs. The struggle that’s song worthy, consuming, and able to be written of. Either way, I’m done with it. Weather it’s me. Weather it’s you. Or perhaps both. I want something simple, clear and honest if anything at all. I ask that each of you respect the friendships we’ve worked hard to have through much difficulty. For this is making my head spin. And there is no doubt I’m tempted. Today though, I find myself liking someone really special and unlike the usual. I don’t want the same old confusion and games. The same lust. I just want a kiss from him placed upon my cheek.