Today seems it may be a day of complications, but hardly. I overslept for work. Fell asleep two thirds into a movie and never woke up, until I needed to be at work. Everyday my job has trivia, usually movie trivia. I have won every single day since it began, I guess almost two weeks ago. It switched over to riddles today. Won again. Jason and I were to go to the movies tomorrow, for the hell of it I went to check times, whoops it comes out Friday. Today is my third day in a row hanging with Meredith. I really missed her.
We watched Synecdoche a couple days ago, I hadn’t seen it since it had been in theaters. Moved me again, or rather consumed me. She and I discussed some of the symbolism after, mostly Hazel’s house being on fire. I gave thought to it today. I think the symbolism behind it is found in a quote in which Caden says “We are all hurtling towards death. Yet, here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we will die; each of us secretly believing we won’t.” I think the fire is to represent her eventual death. That eventually you will die in the fire, eventually everyone is going to die. Even when speaking to the realtor when she buys the house she says she is scared of dying in the fire. To which the realtor says it’s a hard decision choosing how one is going to die, then introduces Hazel to her son who later becomes Hazel’s husband. A choice Hazel makes despite loving Caden, I suppose out of fear of dying alone. I think the fire also reflects Caden’s fear of losing her. That if he were to have her he knows one day he would have to lose her, like one loses everyone. On their one night together, Caden says “My heart aches for you.” Hazel “We’re here, Caden. I’m here.” Caden “My heart aches for it being over” Hazel “The end is built into the beginning. What can you do?”
"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you'll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. And the truth is I'm so angry and the truth is I'm so fucking sad, and the truth is I've been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I'm ok, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. "
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