Somethings have improved. Somethings have worsened.

Dylan turned up, thank god. She was a perfect cuddle partner yesterday and last night. My god, last night...Sometimes, no matter how tired I am her precious little ways can keep me up in awe for a moment. It’s good that she’s safe. I’m at work right now. I feel very very sick. I think I really over did it yesterday, walked too much. I woke up in such pain this morning so I took one of my stronger medications. This quickly became a mistake. I’ve been on the verge of throwing up all morning. I can barely see the screen as I’m typing I’m so dizzy. I’m going home for a couple hours then I’m going to try to find a ride back to work. Will is coming to get me. That’s really really sweet of him. God I still feel on the verge of throwing up. And its funny hat day at work. I’m going to look absolutely crazy when Will gets here. I doubt he’ll care though.

Hello, Week from Hell

I can hardly handle all this bad shit at once. First my band and my supposed best friend. To find out so many lies about yourself, and so many terrible truths about someone you loved so much. Then to have someone who was bringing you a degree of excitement also be full of shit. Then to get surgery limiting movement. And now lastly my landlord has accidentally let me kitten out and can’t find her anywhere, while I’m trapped at work unable to drive, and even if I could really unable to run around my neighborhood looking for her.

God Fucking Damnit.

Look to Find

Page 62 of a magazine, doppelganger, blond hair, one picture she's beautiful, the other not.

My stomach since last night has been in knots or some sort of tight discomfort. A passing light burning on my right arm, it comes and goes. Brings my attention to a reminder of the patterns of my life. The irreversible out of my hands pattern.

I've been thinking a lot of two particular sets of words said by important men, admired men, good men.

"It is necessary to the happiness of a man that he remain faithful to himself"

"Our lives begin to end the day we are silent about the things that matter"

I've been thinking a lot about dying. And about other things too. About loyalty, faithfulness, humanity, love...what it means to love someone. I have nothing profound to say. No clarity. Only a feeling of loss and exhaustion, a hunger for something to give way to the faith I don't shake. Something to make the good in me have reason.

The next step in this familiar dance? running, only to find the same thing. I'm tired and my eyes are dry. I will be still for now, I will childishly wait for change, because you don't find it when you go looking, and your actions don't give it might to fly.

Z Z Z Z Z Z

I am so tired today. I can’t believe I’m going to drive three hours to pa, I must take a nap first. Last night was fun. Jason and I saw the hangover. It was hilarious typical Zach. Zach basically just played himself, and I do like Bradley Cooper! Pretty much every character was funny. I ended up at Tsunami, because why else? It’s Thursday night! Anne was is rare form. I struggled to catch up but made it to a good place J we enjoyed wawa before passing out like we do. It being casual Friday I just wore what I wore last night again only I was wearing a one piece and jeans so I threw on a t from my car, a converge t haha.



I’m looking forward to this nap, I hope my landlord isn’t still there working on my bathroom so I can actually get some rest. So I’m gonna drop my apartment key off to Jeff and a movie off to Jason then I’m hitting the road.

This weekend should be fun. I do miss Melissa and Erik. We’re going to a flea market in the morning and then we’ll work out and possibly paint. Probably play music too, I miss playing music. We’ve been asking to play a wedding next summer. That should be a blast.

Fuck, I’m tired.

Ten Minutes

Today is one of the slowest days of all. I was on time, its rainy and gloomy out. I had wanted to get up super early and take a spin class at 6am. It is impossible to get up early in that kind of weather unless its completely necessary. I would’ve brought clothes and worked out on my break but I had to do pre op on my break today. They said it would take 30 minutes. It took two hours. And even still I have nothing to do at work today. I finished over half of what I had to do before 10am. It is now 1:22pm I’m out of things to do. Hence, this.
I think I’ve decided to skip nyc this weekend. I took so long at the hospital today it isn’t logical to take all of Monday off. The coffee I’m drinking is terrible. I haven’t really eaten a thing since I took too long to eat lunch and ran too far behind to eat breakfast. I hope Jason and I eat otherwise I’ll pig out on popcorn in the most unattractive way…I’ll probably do that anyway.

I think I’ll go see Erik and Melissa this weekend. I miss them. They seem to miss me. And I won’t see them again until July 4th and I haven’t seen them for a month. I miss Rachel too. I’ll go to nyc next month, when Steve doesn’t have to work and a ton of people aren’t there for him to entertain. We both want it to be lax, and the weather is to continue on gray like this for the upcoming week or so.
To put it in perspective, I even did a lot of tomorrow’s work. And yet, here I sit three and a half hours to go.



Tonight I’m seeing the hang over. I’ve heard good things. Zach Galifianakis is my fav.
I need to wake up though. I can’t be so zombie like on a date.

Obscure

3 and a half left. I guess it’s the usual.

Today seems it may be a day of complications, but hardly. I overslept for work. Fell asleep two thirds into a movie and never woke up, until I needed to be at work. Everyday my job has trivia, usually movie trivia. I have won every single day since it began, I guess almost two weeks ago. It switched over to riddles today. Won again. Jason and I were to go to the movies tomorrow, for the hell of it I went to check times, whoops it comes out Friday. Today is my third day in a row hanging with Meredith. I really missed her.



We watched Synecdoche a couple days ago, I hadn’t seen it since it had been in theaters. Moved me again, or rather consumed me. She and I discussed some of the symbolism after, mostly Hazel’s house being on fire. I gave thought to it today. I think the symbolism behind it is found in a quote in which Caden says “We are all hurtling towards death. Yet, here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we will die; each of us secretly believing we won’t.” I think the fire is to represent her eventual death. That eventually you will die in the fire, eventually everyone is going to die. Even when speaking to the realtor when she buys the house she says she is scared of dying in the fire. To which the realtor says it’s a hard decision choosing how one is going to die, then introduces Hazel to her son who later becomes Hazel’s husband. A choice Hazel makes despite loving Caden, I suppose out of fear of dying alone. I think the fire also reflects Caden’s fear of losing her. That if he were to have her he knows one day he would have to lose her, like one loses everyone. On their one night together, Caden says “My heart aches for you.” Hazel “We’re here, Caden. I’m here.” Caden “My heart aches for it being over” Hazel “The end is built into the beginning. What can you do?”



"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you'll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. And the truth is I'm so angry and the truth is I'm so fucking sad, and the truth is I've been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I'm ok, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. "

Boorrrinnnggg

Another excruciatingly long day. Not to much to be done at work either. Finally got a response back from a parking citation in San Francisco I’ve been trying and trying to contest. I knew I’d have to pay it but I didn’t know I’d have to pay late fees, and collection fees. It was under review!! That hardly seems fair.

I never did make it to spin class yesterday, I thought of inviting Meredith but wasn’t sure if she’d be interested turns out she would’ve been. I made dinner for her and I. Cilantro Orange Chicken. I accidentally bought low fat chicken, gross. It was super thin and ended up being pretty dry after being cooked. We went by the mall, didn’t purchase anything. Did you know it closes at 9 now? The economy I suppose. We rented Synecdoche, which I hadn’t seen since it was in theaters. I cried a little again. Mostly at the sad parts about his daughter, sometimes about Hazel too. I read the script today. I also bought Role Models & Pineapple Express. I love both of those movies.

Today Mer and I are going to go to spin class at 730. I might take it easy after. I’m a little tired. Could be the weather. It’s really nice out today, something along the lines of before a storm on the beach. It feels nice.

I wish I had something interesting to say. I don’t. It’ll be neat visiting with people this weekend in NYC. Steve, Taylor and possibly Krist.

Close The Door

Today seems a decent day especially for a Monday. I’m finding ways to keep busy at work limiting internet use (yes I know this is the internet, but you wouldn’t believe the improvement). Typically I’m done my work and bored to tears. Today I made it to 3 o clock without reading a single blog aside from one friend’s. Usually I read all kinds of blogs, science geek blogs, music blogs even celebrity, I’m also a big fan of fail blog. And I do not do this instead of working; I do it while working; while on hold, while waiting for a program to load or something of that vein. Currently I am just done all my work for the day.

I hope to catch spin class after work. They can fill up fast and its thirty min after I get off, could take me that long in traffic. I suppose worst case I’ll just do my regular work out routine. Following that it’s a pretty low key day. No cleaning to do seeing how I already did that this weekend (I’m proud of me!). I guess I’ll go straight to making dinner for myself. I’m a little tired. Don’t know why I got sufficient sleep, exercise will probably energize me. I did eat turkey for lunch.

Tomorrow I think Sean and I are getting coffee and playing catch up. Wednesday I have no plans either, its karaoke night, but Friday gave me my fill of that. The drunk I have to reach to do it is almost undesirable right now, especially because I’m sleepy as I think of it. Thursday I have a date with Jason. We’re seeing Year One. Everyone on imdb seems to think it’ll be bad. Who writes on a movie they don’t like? …Unless that movie is Twilight. It isn’t released so there aren’t any reviews. I found one script review and they seemed to think it was hilarious. So here’s hoping. I love Michael Cera, and David Cross. Paul Rudd has a small part, adore him and Jack Black is funny.

Nothing much else going on especially Friday. I’m going to NYC this weekend so Friday I’ll probably hit the hay early. Surgery next week. Let the pain and incapacitation begin.

I leave you with this...Man Gets struck by lightning while bbqing only utters sausages

also kid makes below barrell monster and gets arrested

You Must Make Sure You're Happy When You Leave Your Summer Places

No real changes. I have a feeling though that things are better in such a minor way I’m not noticing it. Like my looks for example. I have been going to the gym almost everyday for nearly a month. I’ve been taking spin classes, yoga classes and have noticed practically no difference. Perhaps I’m impatient. But I’m just not near how I want to look. Jeff made a comment last night about how good I look and if I’ve been working out. I was shocked and delighted by this. Perhaps I should really slow on the drinking. It’s just hard when everyone is already mad at me for not hanging out and hanging out to them is ultimately…drinking.

Today was a good day at work. I don’t know how I was so full of energy seeing as I had a pretty good buzz going last night. (3 drinks, 3 shots), and also got to bed late due to red bull being involved in one of those shots. This time spent up however didn’t go to waste. I prepared and packed lunch and breakfast for today, and had an engaging text conversation. I felt crazy when I awoke but somehow filled with energy and spirit, perhaps the red bull still. I got so much work done, and efficiently. While I don’t really care for the work I do, it still feels good.

I had intended to take a spin class after work today, but was wrong about the scheduled classes. I’m going to take one tomorrow and pilates with Anne. Also I had forgotten I told the girls at work I would go to happy hour with them. I have bailed every Friday that I’ve worked here, they don’t care for this too much. I think I’ll just grab one drink. Maybe a car bomb with Tina. Following this I am to meet up with Larry, Jeff and Shawn…to drink. So much for not drinking. But I suppose its okay aside from the money I’ll be spending because next week I get surgery resulting in serious pain killers, can’t drink that week. And then I have surgery again the second week in july. No drinking then. Perhaps I’ll try not to drink at all between the two surgeries! That could be positive!

I really want to buy a bass, and a couch and get my new tattoo! I will never have the money for these things. I need to paint, and have some bs artshow and hopefully sell some work. Larry will buy one of my paintings for $200, that’s a bass, or one session of my tattoo! I made a rule that I can’t get any of my tattoo done until I reach my fitness/health goal.

Despite all these constant complaints, I feel very confident in myself these days. I feel strong. I feel a willingness to confront issues for the most part.

God, It's so sweet of you

I little bit calmer than when I last wrote although no movement has happened. Still the same old. I took a cycling class, KILLED ME. However, for that reason, I’m going to do it every week. Maybe I’ll see some results! I’ve continued going to the gym. I guess I’ve seen some changes but nothing major. I want major. (reference the picture in the last entry)

Money hasn’t improved, and won’t in the foreseeable future. I have taken off a couple days for doctor’s appointments now that I have health insurance. So now, I have to get my wisdom teeth removed. Le sigh. I’ll never get my next tattoo, or my bass. My bills are a little better off. I wish I could give my mom and my dad some money. I know they’re both struggling as well.

I hope to go to Toronto in August to visit Kaitlyn, something I’ve promised to do for years. I think I can save up enough by then.

The boy department is the same but a little clearer. It seems that I can only have one outcome or the other. The obsessive think we’re destined type or the I find you irresistible and have to have you…..in bed type. I’d like something in between if anything. But I don’t have the time nor the trust for a boyfriend. Why am I blogging about this?

I’ve finished no further work on that painting, but I get paid Wednesday so I’ll go get supplies.

Nothing else to mention. Haven’t been to PA in awhile, nothing at work is different. Old friends are still angry with me for my absence and who could blame them. Dylan recently discovered the outdoors and has since been a pain.

I’m craving margaritas and guacamole and hang out time with Meredith & Larry.

Every Option I Have Costs More Than I've Got

Any blog that I write will be so terribly prosaic.I'm sinking again. I need to lift up, high, high, high.I feel like I'm not getting enough rest, enough done. Time is dragging. Perhaps it's the job. Perhaps it's that I'm not in school. Not crushing on anyone. Not doing much else.
I worked more on this painting that larry loves. He says he'll pay anything for it, it's not even complete. I need new brushes before I can carry on with it. Thats a goal. To finish that. I'd like to complete enough to have an art show. I could use the money for school! I should see to that. I need money to buy supplies. I need money to buy a bass to start bass lessons. I need money for school. It appears any idea of bettering myself is expensive.

I feel like I'm wallowing toward my future. I have little to be excited about. My, if you saw me and read this the confusion you'd be overcome with. I'm happy. I'm satisfied with things overall. I just want to feel excited, fulfilled and alive somehow. I just feel...still.

Pain is Universal, Baby

I can feel my motivation slowing down, if not ceasing.I feel tired and uninspired today. I've been so focused ever since I've returned home. Trying not to go out and party as much, paying bills, from there improving my gpa. I've gone out three times since I've been paid, well? Maybe twice. It hit my paycheck hard and my bar tabs were low. I didn't go out to several things I was to attend either, likely causing anger toward me. Yet, I'm almost out of money. Had to renew my parking permit today $30. Had to buy a cell phone charger $30. California parking ticket, unspeakable.I just wonder if I'll ever be able to accomplish my goals. I feel trapped. I feel exhausted. I feel little support in the things I'm trying to create for myself. Anne seems to be the only person showing me understanding and encouragement. My upstairs neighbors moved out. I should move out. My apartment is just too expensive.

...I have no where to go. I can't move back in with my parents. No, that isn't stubbornness, I mean that they have told me I can't. My father said I can, but it would be of no benefit. I would pay rent there, and for a room I could only fit my bed into and a shared bathroom. My privacy would be gone. My belongings would be gone. My complete sense of individualism and freedom, gone. I could only justify giving those things up to go to school full time, which I couldn't do if I had to pay rent and therefore work.

I feel I'm buckling under stress. I want more for myself and my future.