What New Mystery Is This?

I drove across country with such sore eyes, bleak and weiry. A symphony upon deaf ears. So much of it feels like I hadn't slept in days. What a year.
I'll be driving up north in a week or so, with an empty hollow heart. I'm hoping this will ready me to absorb and find some new meaning.
I need to get away and become everything I'm not. I spend most of my days now with someone who magnifies, with his pressense, all of my insanity that needs to be done away with.
When I get out of here, I want all this heavy passion from me gone. I want to be detached as to never find anything baffling again, never feel broken up when fucked, never needing comfort or answers from anyone again.
How was I to be constructed this way? What place is there for genuine desire of understanding and mutual loyalty.
No matter what independence of lifestyle and character you hold...if you love the ones you love, need consistancy and stability in the people surrounding you, or that once did...it is you that is emotionally unstable, you that is pathetic. Or so I'm told. Or so I feel (fear)

It's hard to hold the hand of anyone, Who is reaching for the sky just to surrender

[mp3 Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen]

Ya know...don't even download it. Quite frankly I don't particularly like Leonard Cohen's music. He himself said "Only in Canada could I win Best Vocalist" or something along those lines. I'm drunk at the moment.

Anywho, I do absolutely love love love his lyrics, and his writing outside of his songs as well. I could quote passionately words of his from songs I can't stand to listen to. I'm not saying it's bad, only that it isn't for me. His music is like that of Tom Waits in that some people appreciate it, some don't.

(but dear god, read the things he writes. They reach me in some secret intimate way I can't bring out of me otherwise.)

[mp3 Time of Season - The Zombies]

[mp3 Time of Season (Zombies Cover]- Snowden]

[mp3 Lately - The Helio Sequence]

[mp3 Keep Your Eyes Ahead - The Helio Sequence]

Break IV

I was able to get sufficient sleep. Lovely sleep in fact. Dylan relaxed for a bit and slept like a baby with me. It feels like fall this morning so it was that perfect cool for sleeping this morning. I wanted to get up early enough to shower and maybe run by 49 for coffee, needless to say this didn’t happen. That forty minutes went to unneeded further sleep. I need to shower badly.

I made myself eggs this morning at work. The cooking spray can was punctured and I got oil all over me. I have another more whether appropriate dress in my car I’ll throw on, maybe shower at dad’s on my break. I wonder if he went to Philadelphia. This is going to stain. I think I can cut and helm it shorter and get rid of most of it.My break this morning was lovely this time spent with a blue butterfly that didn’t pay me any mind. Last week there was a dragonfly I somehow forgot to mention. These breaks are doing me good. Today’s song was Crystal Castles remix of ‘It Fit When I Was A Kid’ by Liars. I’m in higher spirits and psyched for fall. Psyched for Toronto. I’m going to see if I can get off work at my second job Saturday. Maybe trade it out for Friday. Elisha is visiting Megan in Philadelphia. They would like me to come for labor day weekend. I’d really like to do that. I’ll see what I can swing.
Today I simply must clean my apartment. I’m not feeling low enough anymore for it to be in such condition. I at least took the trash out last night. I still need to get Dylan fixed. And my, my bills this upcoming paycheck are so much. I think I’ll only be able to pay half of my cell. I need to get car maintenance done and my cable bill came. I need to be super careful about funds since Toronto is only a month away. Tomorrow I work both jobs. 830am-11pm. Jeez. Wednesday and Thursday will be my ‘me’ days. Excellent timing since I get paid, not that it will matter considering the prior mentioned bills.

Cigarette/Song Break III

I’m in a state of mind that I can never get used to despite being part of my usual process. It is that of detachment. I’m a passionate gal in touch with my emotions and when it feels as if I don’t have any I just don’t feel like a real person. It’s times like this where I escape in routine and am unable to relate to those around me. I manage to be a pretty bad friend at times such as these.
I had meant to bring eggs into work to make breakfast. I suppose it’s good I didn’t since it’s Friday. I kept to my usual breakfast of English breakfast tea. I don’t really take cigarette breaks. A few of my coworkers knew I smoked cigarettes but not all, especially not two a day. My boss is utterly shocked by this.
Today’s song was Strangers by the Kinks. I remember I put this song on nearly every mix cd I made two years ago. Still not sick of it. It appears it’s going to rain all weekend. This certainly won’t help my lack of motivation. I really must get back to the gym that created such a healthy escape/outlet for me for awhile.
I did however make it over to Borders. David Cross’s new book can only be ordered online so I’ll do that once my new card comes in the mail. I actually have to order some of Dave Eggers books that are on sale on McSweeneys anyhow. I did pick up Sartre’s Being and Nothingness. The only good thing about being trapped inside myself for a period of time is it ends up being pretty stimulating and a time for reform. Although, I never learn from my mistakes. I never change.

[mp3 Strangers - The Kinks]

Cigarette/Song Break II

Today I was able to fit in two songs with my cigarette. They were Angeles by Elliott Smith and Songbird by Engine Down. I think I’m going to make a mix of this for someone when this is through. What a day yesterday turned out, what a mind fuck I mean.
I went by my second job for paperwork then Kaitlyn came over. I didn’t realize she is leaving Friday. I’m such an asshole. She, Anne and I went and had 32 oz, fishbowl, margaritas. Anne was trashed. And as was I. I never did get to Borders to buy that book. I’ll try to fit it in today. I have to stay late so it will all depend on whether I get to the bank on time. My phone should not have been in my possession last night by any means. I suppose I don’t mind. I can’t really feel any regret in saying how I feel to him. I completely let go which is something that means a lot to me about my interactions with him. Le sigh.
We went to Karaoke across the street after. I sang God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. Ran into a ton of kids from high school. Then I sang PYT by Michael Jackson!!! My favorite Michael Jackson song ever.
Things get strange from there. Too strange and personal to write out here. But I am sure of things that don’t matter. I am officially in that ‘I’m confused and emotional unavailable’ state. I will find myself saying the same things said to me in the next couple of months.

[mp3 Angeles - Elliott Smith]
[mp3 Songbird - Engine Down]