Somethings have improved. Somethings have worsened.

Dylan turned up, thank god. She was a perfect cuddle partner yesterday and last night. My god, last night...Sometimes, no matter how tired I am her precious little ways can keep me up in awe for a moment. It’s good that she’s safe. I’m at work right now. I feel very very sick. I think I really over did it yesterday, walked too much. I woke up in such pain this morning so I took one of my stronger medications. This quickly became a mistake. I’ve been on the verge of throwing up all morning. I can barely see the screen as I’m typing I’m so dizzy. I’m going home for a couple hours then I’m going to try to find a ride back to work. Will is coming to get me. That’s really really sweet of him. God I still feel on the verge of throwing up. And its funny hat day at work. I’m going to look absolutely crazy when Will gets here. I doubt he’ll care though.

Hello, Week from Hell

I can hardly handle all this bad shit at once. First my band and my supposed best friend. To find out so many lies about yourself, and so many terrible truths about someone you loved so much. Then to have someone who was bringing you a degree of excitement also be full of shit. Then to get surgery limiting movement. And now lastly my landlord has accidentally let me kitten out and can’t find her anywhere, while I’m trapped at work unable to drive, and even if I could really unable to run around my neighborhood looking for her.

God Fucking Damnit.

Look to Find

Page 62 of a magazine, doppelganger, blond hair, one picture she's beautiful, the other not.

My stomach since last night has been in knots or some sort of tight discomfort. A passing light burning on my right arm, it comes and goes. Brings my attention to a reminder of the patterns of my life. The irreversible out of my hands pattern.

I've been thinking a lot of two particular sets of words said by important men, admired men, good men.

"It is necessary to the happiness of a man that he remain faithful to himself"

"Our lives begin to end the day we are silent about the things that matter"

I've been thinking a lot about dying. And about other things too. About loyalty, faithfulness, humanity, love...what it means to love someone. I have nothing profound to say. No clarity. Only a feeling of loss and exhaustion, a hunger for something to give way to the faith I don't shake. Something to make the good in me have reason.

The next step in this familiar dance? running, only to find the same thing. I'm tired and my eyes are dry. I will be still for now, I will childishly wait for change, because you don't find it when you go looking, and your actions don't give it might to fly.

Z Z Z Z Z Z

I am so tired today. I can’t believe I’m going to drive three hours to pa, I must take a nap first. Last night was fun. Jason and I saw the hangover. It was hilarious typical Zach. Zach basically just played himself, and I do like Bradley Cooper! Pretty much every character was funny. I ended up at Tsunami, because why else? It’s Thursday night! Anne was is rare form. I struggled to catch up but made it to a good place J we enjoyed wawa before passing out like we do. It being casual Friday I just wore what I wore last night again only I was wearing a one piece and jeans so I threw on a t from my car, a converge t haha.



I’m looking forward to this nap, I hope my landlord isn’t still there working on my bathroom so I can actually get some rest. So I’m gonna drop my apartment key off to Jeff and a movie off to Jason then I’m hitting the road.

This weekend should be fun. I do miss Melissa and Erik. We’re going to a flea market in the morning and then we’ll work out and possibly paint. Probably play music too, I miss playing music. We’ve been asking to play a wedding next summer. That should be a blast.

Fuck, I’m tired.

Ten Minutes

Today is one of the slowest days of all. I was on time, its rainy and gloomy out. I had wanted to get up super early and take a spin class at 6am. It is impossible to get up early in that kind of weather unless its completely necessary. I would’ve brought clothes and worked out on my break but I had to do pre op on my break today. They said it would take 30 minutes. It took two hours. And even still I have nothing to do at work today. I finished over half of what I had to do before 10am. It is now 1:22pm I’m out of things to do. Hence, this.
I think I’ve decided to skip nyc this weekend. I took so long at the hospital today it isn’t logical to take all of Monday off. The coffee I’m drinking is terrible. I haven’t really eaten a thing since I took too long to eat lunch and ran too far behind to eat breakfast. I hope Jason and I eat otherwise I’ll pig out on popcorn in the most unattractive way…I’ll probably do that anyway.

I think I’ll go see Erik and Melissa this weekend. I miss them. They seem to miss me. And I won’t see them again until July 4th and I haven’t seen them for a month. I miss Rachel too. I’ll go to nyc next month, when Steve doesn’t have to work and a ton of people aren’t there for him to entertain. We both want it to be lax, and the weather is to continue on gray like this for the upcoming week or so.
To put it in perspective, I even did a lot of tomorrow’s work. And yet, here I sit three and a half hours to go.



Tonight I’m seeing the hang over. I’ve heard good things. Zach Galifianakis is my fav.
I need to wake up though. I can’t be so zombie like on a date.

Obscure

3 and a half left. I guess it’s the usual.

Today seems it may be a day of complications, but hardly. I overslept for work. Fell asleep two thirds into a movie and never woke up, until I needed to be at work. Everyday my job has trivia, usually movie trivia. I have won every single day since it began, I guess almost two weeks ago. It switched over to riddles today. Won again. Jason and I were to go to the movies tomorrow, for the hell of it I went to check times, whoops it comes out Friday. Today is my third day in a row hanging with Meredith. I really missed her.



We watched Synecdoche a couple days ago, I hadn’t seen it since it had been in theaters. Moved me again, or rather consumed me. She and I discussed some of the symbolism after, mostly Hazel’s house being on fire. I gave thought to it today. I think the symbolism behind it is found in a quote in which Caden says “We are all hurtling towards death. Yet, here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we will die; each of us secretly believing we won’t.” I think the fire is to represent her eventual death. That eventually you will die in the fire, eventually everyone is going to die. Even when speaking to the realtor when she buys the house she says she is scared of dying in the fire. To which the realtor says it’s a hard decision choosing how one is going to die, then introduces Hazel to her son who later becomes Hazel’s husband. A choice Hazel makes despite loving Caden, I suppose out of fear of dying alone. I think the fire also reflects Caden’s fear of losing her. That if he were to have her he knows one day he would have to lose her, like one loses everyone. On their one night together, Caden says “My heart aches for you.” Hazel “We’re here, Caden. I’m here.” Caden “My heart aches for it being over” Hazel “The end is built into the beginning. What can you do?”



"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you'll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. And the truth is I'm so angry and the truth is I'm so fucking sad, and the truth is I've been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I'm ok, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. "

Boorrrinnnggg

Another excruciatingly long day. Not to much to be done at work either. Finally got a response back from a parking citation in San Francisco I’ve been trying and trying to contest. I knew I’d have to pay it but I didn’t know I’d have to pay late fees, and collection fees. It was under review!! That hardly seems fair.

I never did make it to spin class yesterday, I thought of inviting Meredith but wasn’t sure if she’d be interested turns out she would’ve been. I made dinner for her and I. Cilantro Orange Chicken. I accidentally bought low fat chicken, gross. It was super thin and ended up being pretty dry after being cooked. We went by the mall, didn’t purchase anything. Did you know it closes at 9 now? The economy I suppose. We rented Synecdoche, which I hadn’t seen since it was in theaters. I cried a little again. Mostly at the sad parts about his daughter, sometimes about Hazel too. I read the script today. I also bought Role Models & Pineapple Express. I love both of those movies.

Today Mer and I are going to go to spin class at 730. I might take it easy after. I’m a little tired. Could be the weather. It’s really nice out today, something along the lines of before a storm on the beach. It feels nice.

I wish I had something interesting to say. I don’t. It’ll be neat visiting with people this weekend in NYC. Steve, Taylor and possibly Krist.