Friday, December 4, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
What New Mystery Is This?
I drove across country with such sore eyes, bleak and weiry. A symphony upon deaf ears. So much of it feels like I hadn't slept in days. What a year.
I'll be driving up north in a week or so, with an empty hollow heart. I'm hoping this will ready me to absorb and find some new meaning.
I need to get away and become everything I'm not. I spend most of my days now with someone who magnifies, with his pressense, all of my insanity that needs to be done away with.
When I get out of here, I want all this heavy passion from me gone. I want to be detached as to never find anything baffling again, never feel broken up when fucked, never needing comfort or answers from anyone again.
How was I to be constructed this way? What place is there for genuine desire of understanding and mutual loyalty.
No matter what independence of lifestyle and character you hold...if you love the ones you love, need consistancy and stability in the people surrounding you, or that once did...it is you that is emotionally unstable, you that is pathetic. Or so I'm told. Or so I feel (fear)
I'll be driving up north in a week or so, with an empty hollow heart. I'm hoping this will ready me to absorb and find some new meaning.
I need to get away and become everything I'm not. I spend most of my days now with someone who magnifies, with his pressense, all of my insanity that needs to be done away with.
When I get out of here, I want all this heavy passion from me gone. I want to be detached as to never find anything baffling again, never feel broken up when fucked, never needing comfort or answers from anyone again.
How was I to be constructed this way? What place is there for genuine desire of understanding and mutual loyalty.
No matter what independence of lifestyle and character you hold...if you love the ones you love, need consistancy and stability in the people surrounding you, or that once did...it is you that is emotionally unstable, you that is pathetic. Or so I'm told. Or so I feel (fear)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It's hard to hold the hand of anyone, Who is reaching for the sky just to surrender
[mp3 Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen]
Ya know...don't even download it. Quite frankly I don't particularly like Leonard Cohen's music. He himself said "Only in Canada could I win Best Vocalist" or something along those lines. I'm drunk at the moment.
Anywho, I do absolutely love love love his lyrics, and his writing outside of his songs as well. I could quote passionately words of his from songs I can't stand to listen to. I'm not saying it's bad, only that it isn't for me. His music is like that of Tom Waits in that some people appreciate it, some don't.
(but dear god, read the things he writes. They reach me in some secret intimate way I can't bring out of me otherwise.)
Friday, September 11, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Break IV
I was able to get sufficient sleep. Lovely sleep in fact. Dylan relaxed for a bit and slept like a baby with me. It feels like fall this morning so it was that perfect cool for sleeping this morning. I wanted to get up early enough to shower and maybe run by 49 for coffee, needless to say this didn’t happen. That forty minutes went to unneeded further sleep. I need to shower badly.
I made myself eggs this morning at work. The cooking spray can was punctured and I got oil all over me. I have another more whether appropriate dress in my car I’ll throw on, maybe shower at dad’s on my break. I wonder if he went to Philadelphia. This is going to stain. I think I can cut and helm it shorter and get rid of most of it.My break this morning was lovely this time spent with a blue butterfly that didn’t pay me any mind. Last week there was a dragonfly I somehow forgot to mention. These breaks are doing me good. Today’s song was Crystal Castles remix of ‘It Fit When I Was A Kid’ by Liars. I’m in higher spirits and psyched for fall. Psyched for Toronto. I’m going to see if I can get off work at my second job Saturday. Maybe trade it out for Friday. Elisha is visiting Megan in Philadelphia. They would like me to come for labor day weekend. I’d really like to do that. I’ll see what I can swing.
Today I simply must clean my apartment. I’m not feeling low enough anymore for it to be in such condition. I at least took the trash out last night. I still need to get Dylan fixed. And my, my bills this upcoming paycheck are so much. I think I’ll only be able to pay half of my cell. I need to get car maintenance done and my cable bill came. I need to be super careful about funds since Toronto is only a month away. Tomorrow I work both jobs. 830am-11pm. Jeez. Wednesday and Thursday will be my ‘me’ days. Excellent timing since I get paid, not that it will matter considering the prior mentioned bills.
I made myself eggs this morning at work. The cooking spray can was punctured and I got oil all over me. I have another more whether appropriate dress in my car I’ll throw on, maybe shower at dad’s on my break. I wonder if he went to Philadelphia. This is going to stain. I think I can cut and helm it shorter and get rid of most of it.My break this morning was lovely this time spent with a blue butterfly that didn’t pay me any mind. Last week there was a dragonfly I somehow forgot to mention. These breaks are doing me good. Today’s song was Crystal Castles remix of ‘It Fit When I Was A Kid’ by Liars. I’m in higher spirits and psyched for fall. Psyched for Toronto. I’m going to see if I can get off work at my second job Saturday. Maybe trade it out for Friday. Elisha is visiting Megan in Philadelphia. They would like me to come for labor day weekend. I’d really like to do that. I’ll see what I can swing.
Today I simply must clean my apartment. I’m not feeling low enough anymore for it to be in such condition. I at least took the trash out last night. I still need to get Dylan fixed. And my, my bills this upcoming paycheck are so much. I think I’ll only be able to pay half of my cell. I need to get car maintenance done and my cable bill came. I need to be super careful about funds since Toronto is only a month away. Tomorrow I work both jobs. 830am-11pm. Jeez. Wednesday and Thursday will be my ‘me’ days. Excellent timing since I get paid, not that it will matter considering the prior mentioned bills.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Cigarette/Song Break III
I’m in a state of mind that I can never get used to despite being part of my usual process. It is that of detachment. I’m a passionate gal in touch with my emotions and when it feels as if I don’t have any I just don’t feel like a real person. It’s times like this where I escape in routine and am unable to relate to those around me. I manage to be a pretty bad friend at times such as these.
I had meant to bring eggs into work to make breakfast. I suppose it’s good I didn’t since it’s Friday. I kept to my usual breakfast of English breakfast tea. I don’t really take cigarette breaks. A few of my coworkers knew I smoked cigarettes but not all, especially not two a day. My boss is utterly shocked by this.
Today’s song was Strangers by the Kinks. I remember I put this song on nearly every mix cd I made two years ago. Still not sick of it. It appears it’s going to rain all weekend. This certainly won’t help my lack of motivation. I really must get back to the gym that created such a healthy escape/outlet for me for awhile.
I did however make it over to Borders. David Cross’s new book can only be ordered online so I’ll do that once my new card comes in the mail. I actually have to order some of Dave Eggers books that are on sale on McSweeneys anyhow. I did pick up Sartre’s Being and Nothingness. The only good thing about being trapped inside myself for a period of time is it ends up being pretty stimulating and a time for reform. Although, I never learn from my mistakes. I never change.
[mp3 Strangers - The Kinks]
I had meant to bring eggs into work to make breakfast. I suppose it’s good I didn’t since it’s Friday. I kept to my usual breakfast of English breakfast tea. I don’t really take cigarette breaks. A few of my coworkers knew I smoked cigarettes but not all, especially not two a day. My boss is utterly shocked by this.
Today’s song was Strangers by the Kinks. I remember I put this song on nearly every mix cd I made two years ago. Still not sick of it. It appears it’s going to rain all weekend. This certainly won’t help my lack of motivation. I really must get back to the gym that created such a healthy escape/outlet for me for awhile.
I did however make it over to Borders. David Cross’s new book can only be ordered online so I’ll do that once my new card comes in the mail. I actually have to order some of Dave Eggers books that are on sale on McSweeneys anyhow. I did pick up Sartre’s Being and Nothingness. The only good thing about being trapped inside myself for a period of time is it ends up being pretty stimulating and a time for reform. Although, I never learn from my mistakes. I never change.
[mp3 Strangers - The Kinks]
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Cigarette/Song Break II
Today I was able to fit in two songs with my cigarette. They were Angeles by Elliott Smith and Songbird by Engine Down. I think I’m going to make a mix of this for someone when this is through. What a day yesterday turned out, what a mind fuck I mean.
I went by my second job for paperwork then Kaitlyn came over. I didn’t realize she is leaving Friday. I’m such an asshole. She, Anne and I went and had 32 oz, fishbowl, margaritas. Anne was trashed. And as was I. I never did get to Borders to buy that book. I’ll try to fit it in today. I have to stay late so it will all depend on whether I get to the bank on time. My phone should not have been in my possession last night by any means. I suppose I don’t mind. I can’t really feel any regret in saying how I feel to him. I completely let go which is something that means a lot to me about my interactions with him. Le sigh.
We went to Karaoke across the street after. I sang God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. Ran into a ton of kids from high school. Then I sang PYT by Michael Jackson!!! My favorite Michael Jackson song ever.
Things get strange from there. Too strange and personal to write out here. But I am sure of things that don’t matter. I am officially in that ‘I’m confused and emotional unavailable’ state. I will find myself saying the same things said to me in the next couple of months.
[mp3 Angeles - Elliott Smith]
[mp3 Songbird - Engine Down]
I went by my second job for paperwork then Kaitlyn came over. I didn’t realize she is leaving Friday. I’m such an asshole. She, Anne and I went and had 32 oz, fishbowl, margaritas. Anne was trashed. And as was I. I never did get to Borders to buy that book. I’ll try to fit it in today. I have to stay late so it will all depend on whether I get to the bank on time. My phone should not have been in my possession last night by any means. I suppose I don’t mind. I can’t really feel any regret in saying how I feel to him. I completely let go which is something that means a lot to me about my interactions with him. Le sigh.
We went to Karaoke across the street after. I sang God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. Ran into a ton of kids from high school. Then I sang PYT by Michael Jackson!!! My favorite Michael Jackson song ever.
Things get strange from there. Too strange and personal to write out here. But I am sure of things that don’t matter. I am officially in that ‘I’m confused and emotional unavailable’ state. I will find myself saying the same things said to me in the next couple of months.
[mp3 Angeles - Elliott Smith]
[mp3 Songbird - Engine Down]
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Cigarette/Song Break
I’ve resorted back to the same comfort I even found in middle school.
I used to take walks and listen to my walkman even then as well as listen to it on the school bus. There was an unmatchable comfort in this. The song I remember best doing this with was Talk Show Host by Radiohead when I was younger.
These days have been heavier than I think I realize but I’m taking them with ease. I see what’s suffering which would be my other friendships.
Jon and Fabian have called so much and I never answer, or sometimes I answer only to say I’ll call back then do not do so. I’ve seen Anne and Jenn and recently Meredith. I feel as though my company is less than satisfactory, although I think Anne is a little tried as well so perhaps we’re comfortable. Kaitlyn has been home from Canada for days now and I have yet to see her. I’m seeing her tonight.
I’ve begun taking cigarette breaks at work now, taking a much needed much deserved mental break. Long enough for one song which gives the near comfort of a friend’s arms. I’m going to start attending the gym again, and reading again. I have taken my sights off of Tropic of Cancer for now, instead I’m going to purchase David Cross’s new book “I Drink For a Reason” after work today and begin that.
Today’s song was AA Bondy’s ‘When The Devil’s Loose’ featured below.
I didn’t really count on this blog being an account of my emotions for it’s probably a poor decision to be even more revealing than I am in person however perhaps it’s what I need at the moment. I’ll feature my cigarette songs for others to find comfort in as well. This one in particular will be on Kaitlyn’s mix cd, which is long overdue.
I discussed moving to Philadelphia with Anne next summer. She’s interested. I feel confident in this goal, it still feels right. I informed Megan, Elisha and Rachel of this. They are filled with excitement. I really love those girls.
Why don’t you give yourself a rest
Oh give yourself some room
You can’t get your arms round everybody
You cannot carry the doom
Of the living and the dying
How easily you bruise
Oh dear, you don’t go around when the devil’s loose
I used to take walks and listen to my walkman even then as well as listen to it on the school bus. There was an unmatchable comfort in this. The song I remember best doing this with was Talk Show Host by Radiohead when I was younger.
These days have been heavier than I think I realize but I’m taking them with ease. I see what’s suffering which would be my other friendships.
Jon and Fabian have called so much and I never answer, or sometimes I answer only to say I’ll call back then do not do so. I’ve seen Anne and Jenn and recently Meredith. I feel as though my company is less than satisfactory, although I think Anne is a little tried as well so perhaps we’re comfortable. Kaitlyn has been home from Canada for days now and I have yet to see her. I’m seeing her tonight.
I’ve begun taking cigarette breaks at work now, taking a much needed much deserved mental break. Long enough for one song which gives the near comfort of a friend’s arms. I’m going to start attending the gym again, and reading again. I have taken my sights off of Tropic of Cancer for now, instead I’m going to purchase David Cross’s new book “I Drink For a Reason” after work today and begin that.
Today’s song was AA Bondy’s ‘When The Devil’s Loose’ featured below.
I didn’t really count on this blog being an account of my emotions for it’s probably a poor decision to be even more revealing than I am in person however perhaps it’s what I need at the moment. I’ll feature my cigarette songs for others to find comfort in as well. This one in particular will be on Kaitlyn’s mix cd, which is long overdue.
I discussed moving to Philadelphia with Anne next summer. She’s interested. I feel confident in this goal, it still feels right. I informed Megan, Elisha and Rachel of this. They are filled with excitement. I really love those girls.
Why don’t you give yourself a rest
Oh give yourself some room
You can’t get your arms round everybody
You cannot carry the doom
Of the living and the dying
How easily you bruise
Oh dear, you don’t go around when the devil’s loose
[mp3 When The Devils Loose - AA Bondy]
Monday, August 24, 2009
The clouds
I'm not sure how I'm going to get through today. I've had this really terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach since friday. It worsened as of last night, it's worst of all now. And this anxiety coupled with this sharp pain in my back is making it difficult to breathe.Today is a day I would've spent doing nothing at my parents but sleeping.
A hard rain is going to fall. I can feel it.
A hard rain is going to fall. I can feel it.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
RAMPAGE!!!!!!!!
Things are looking up! I’m still broke however but let’s just talk about the now!
Weekend before last the girls visited, ruled!
Last weekend…amazing! I had such a blast with Jason and Steve and made some new friends as well. Jason, Steve and I must’ve gotten to bed around 4 am. Poor Steve had to work. Jason and I slept in every day we were there some reason, but it was nice to be so comfortable and treat it like an actual get away instead of stressing.
Saturday we hung out with my friend Sheena, spending most of our time in Williamsburg, I bought a jean skirt from the 70s, and Jason bought two shirts, one of which I’ve practically stolen. Sheena’s apartment, which she’s unfortunately leaving, is gorgeous. It was way great to see her and I wish I had done it sooner, and I will do it again soon. Jason got Steve a ticket so he was able to join us. We must’ve been lost in Prospect Park for 2 hours. And hipsters were coming out of the shadows, the trees, anywhere they could hide looking for this show. We must’ve formed a group of 15 or so. We didn’t really connect or bond with any of them except Megan and Nathan. We did however find the show! I was relieved we were late getting there because from what I could tell the other acts were terrible. I made friends with some random chick who needed someone to dance with, as did I. Although we didn’t do much of dancing ‘together’ but I danced like a crazy person especially to Fireworks and Brother Sport, as predicted.
We all wanted to stay out and party together following this. NYC bars are open till 4am, and it’s a Saturday! But it must’ve been that walk through the woods or the cheap wine and dancing but by 1230 we were wiped out. I even drank down a red bull. Steve, Jason and I did shots of whiskey in a gay bar. Sunday we spent the day with Kris. We had the best coffee in NYC and amazing brunch. We went to several awesome stores that I could never afford a thing at and encouraged Kris to spend on himself. Ending the day with playing video games with him in Williamsburg, I wish I was playing Rampage right now. I had quite a buzz going, I think I may have spilled beer on myself.
We ended the evening with a few more drinks, with some of Kris’s friends, who I liked, and Steve met up with us as well. Then it was off to hurry to the bus, which we barely made. We arrived in DC around 230am only to find the Metro is closed and had to take a cab to New Carrollton, another night home at 4am, this time having to work the next day. Completely worth it.
This week has been semi low key. Monday was a hectic day at work as I presume all this week will. The evening was spent entirely on sleeping. I needed it badly. I woke up only to watch a couple episodes of True Blood. Yesterday was spent taking it easy with Jason. I have a lot of priorities I have to get in order. Today I feel just as exhausted as Monday with zero reason. I actually think I’m getting sick. I’m really stuffy, so drowsy, can’t stop sneezing, I predict my throat should begin to hurt soon. My agenda for today is:
Nap
Clean my apartment
Podcasts
Laundry/Give Mom Money
Beauty First Paperwork
Attempt to see Fabian, Jon and Anne, if I don’t feel like death.
Tomorrow’s agenda is:
BB & T Account
Pay Gym
Grocery Shop
See Kaitlyn
Plan for Philadelphia weekend
Christ this week is flying by. I feel like I won’t survive it. August is over? Really? Already?
Weekend before last the girls visited, ruled!
Last weekend…amazing! I had such a blast with Jason and Steve and made some new friends as well. Jason, Steve and I must’ve gotten to bed around 4 am. Poor Steve had to work. Jason and I slept in every day we were there some reason, but it was nice to be so comfortable and treat it like an actual get away instead of stressing.
Saturday we hung out with my friend Sheena, spending most of our time in Williamsburg, I bought a jean skirt from the 70s, and Jason bought two shirts, one of which I’ve practically stolen. Sheena’s apartment, which she’s unfortunately leaving, is gorgeous. It was way great to see her and I wish I had done it sooner, and I will do it again soon. Jason got Steve a ticket so he was able to join us. We must’ve been lost in Prospect Park for 2 hours. And hipsters were coming out of the shadows, the trees, anywhere they could hide looking for this show. We must’ve formed a group of 15 or so. We didn’t really connect or bond with any of them except Megan and Nathan. We did however find the show! I was relieved we were late getting there because from what I could tell the other acts were terrible. I made friends with some random chick who needed someone to dance with, as did I. Although we didn’t do much of dancing ‘together’ but I danced like a crazy person especially to Fireworks and Brother Sport, as predicted.
We all wanted to stay out and party together following this. NYC bars are open till 4am, and it’s a Saturday! But it must’ve been that walk through the woods or the cheap wine and dancing but by 1230 we were wiped out. I even drank down a red bull. Steve, Jason and I did shots of whiskey in a gay bar. Sunday we spent the day with Kris. We had the best coffee in NYC and amazing brunch. We went to several awesome stores that I could never afford a thing at and encouraged Kris to spend on himself. Ending the day with playing video games with him in Williamsburg, I wish I was playing Rampage right now. I had quite a buzz going, I think I may have spilled beer on myself.
We ended the evening with a few more drinks, with some of Kris’s friends, who I liked, and Steve met up with us as well. Then it was off to hurry to the bus, which we barely made. We arrived in DC around 230am only to find the Metro is closed and had to take a cab to New Carrollton, another night home at 4am, this time having to work the next day. Completely worth it.
This week has been semi low key. Monday was a hectic day at work as I presume all this week will. The evening was spent entirely on sleeping. I needed it badly. I woke up only to watch a couple episodes of True Blood. Yesterday was spent taking it easy with Jason. I have a lot of priorities I have to get in order. Today I feel just as exhausted as Monday with zero reason. I actually think I’m getting sick. I’m really stuffy, so drowsy, can’t stop sneezing, I predict my throat should begin to hurt soon. My agenda for today is:
Nap
Clean my apartment
Podcasts
Laundry/Give Mom Money
Beauty First Paperwork
Attempt to see Fabian, Jon and Anne, if I don’t feel like death.
Tomorrow’s agenda is:
BB & T Account
Pay Gym
Grocery Shop
See Kaitlyn
Plan for Philadelphia weekend
Christ this week is flying by. I feel like I won’t survive it. August is over? Really? Already?
Friday, August 14, 2009
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